The Vault

Believe Me, I Loved You

08/10/2013

mature | tiefer siblings

Besides Émile’s, only one other name was forbidden in their tiny, broken home: that of the sole man who ever truly loved Annemarie Tiefer. And the funny thing was, she loved him back.

(Emilein cannot even remember his name, even when he loved him too—and not the way he ‘loved’ her other beaus, no, because this one was genuinely kind and good and didn’t raise his fist or undo his belt—for whenever he dared mention that man, Annemarie was sure to beat Emilein until he saw black.)

He’d been tall and tan, sandy-haired and bright-eyed, and he had a genial quietness about him that fit, unnaturally at home, with Annemarie’s constant, slurred babble. He’d sit quietly as she went on and on, the two of them together on the couch or in bed, his arm around her, her head on his chest—and unlike the other men, he listened rather than simply tuned her out. Unlike the other men, he made love. Even when it was hard and fast and rough and she left nail-marks on his shoulders and he pressed bruises into her skin, he made love to her, loved her. He was sweet to her, a gentleman drifter. He treated her like a lady—more than that, he treated her like a human being. She, in turn, seemed to become more human.

(The man had come into his room one afternoon and sat on his bed—and Emilein had shrunk back, defeated, resigned, because it was only a matter of time, it always was, because her lovers always came to him, always spat on him or hit him or fucked him, only a question of when rather than if, but god it was so soon, this new guy’d been there less than a week—and said he’d seen the bruises and noticed the way Annemarie talked to him. He’d wanted Em to know she did love him, she just lost her temper sometimes, and Emilein had wanted to tear apart the man’s little fantasy of Annemarie the temperamental older sister and show him the reality of Annemarie the monster who looked the other way; but then the man smiled and told him, “If you need to talk, I’m here,” and then left, without hitting, without fucking. Emilein had been too shocked to say anything: the man had even treated him like a human. It was a first.)

He’d cooked for them, all three of them, whenever he was around for mealtimes. He made decent gumbo and more-than-decent fried fish. When money was tight—and it always was—he could stretch whatever leftovers or scraps were on hand to feed them and feed them well. The house often smelled of food and spices with him around, and sometimes Annemarie even helped him cook. Once, they all sat down and had dinner together like they were some sort of family. Annemarie didn’t badmouth her brother once. The man said grace.

(Emilein would have given anything to have him as his family, his brother, his foster-father.)

He’d left after only a few months.

(He’d found them together—Emilein pinned down beneath Annemarie as she rode out her orgasm, the stink of sex heavy in the air, clothes strewn about, everything plain as it always should have been—and walked out the door. “I can’t do this,” he’d said. “I can’t just overlook this.” Annemarie chased after him, fumbling for an excuse, spewing lies, crying rape, but she could not hope to take it back. He did not yell, even as she sobbed and screamed and shrieked and stumbled out into the dark behind him, the front door wide open, spilling light over her half-dressed body; he only stopped and held her at a distance, large hands firm and warm and still so lovingly gentle upon her shoulders. “Oh, Annemarie,” he said, “believe me: I loved you.” He left her standing in the hot night air and Emilein huddled against the doorframe, shaken and small—though in that moment, his sister looked even smaller than he.)

She never spoke of him after he left. She’d been vicious in her silence, demanding the same from Emilein. She refused to talk about him with the few friends she had, pretending he’d never even existed. As far as she was able, Annemarie blotted the man she loved—the man who’d left them—from her mind and that of everyone around her.

(Emilein cannot remember his name and wonders if, were his sister alive, she could.)

Though his name was banned, memories of him still lingered. They haunted Annemarie even as her blood stopped and her belly swelled, and they surrounded her even as she lay dying in a pool of her own blood.

(Emilein ‘d been there. He’d watched. He’d laughed. He’d knelt down beside her and gripped her shoulders as she trembled on the floor, begging and pleading and gasping for help, for life. “Oh, Annemarie,” he sneered, “believe me: I loved you.” He left her lying in her blood, shaking and small and sobbing now, heavy sobs that shook her until she stilled, limp and lifeless and unloved.)

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Ever Since His Daddy Died

05/27/2013

teen | tiefer/jehan

Ever since his daddy died, his mama’s face was never the same. Sure, her cheeks were still rosy, her eyes were still blue and mostly unlined, and her lips were still ruby-red #9 from the drug-store up the road, but Jehan could see something behind her always-wet eyes and in the time it took for her to smile nowadays and the way she stared out over the bayou, glaring the water down as if it hid a miserable, loathsome monster that took her husband away.

He didn’t like it.

His parrain, though, looked as he always did: gruff but delicate and so so tired. And Jehan flocked to him. Wherever Tiefer was (and his mama was not), Jehan was quick to be also. Jehan clung to him because he didn’t see the same look his mama had staring down at him from behind Tiefer’s glasses. Tiefer was his parrain and his parrain never changed. Tiefer was still the same after Jehan’s daddy died. Tiefer wasn’t upset like his mama was. Tiefer didn’t sleep on a tear-stained pillow or damn the bayou or turn his head because, like everyone said, Jehan looks so much like his father.

As for Tiefer? He kept his eyes dry, his expression calm, his smile light despite being so incredibly tired, letting his world slowly crumble rather than burn to ash and dust as Agnes had done.

Yet Tiefer’s world still crumbled, and as it fell brick by brick, he cut Jehan’s world (and body and soul) to bloody pieces until one afternoon once he’s put his knife away and cleaned the blood and semen from their bodies, once Jehan seems to have fallen asleep, exhausted from the abuse (Tiefer had been especially vicious that day), whatever was left of the life he once knew disintegrated into nothing. Nathan was dead. Nathan was gone. Nathan wasn’t his any more. (He never had been, says a voice suspiciously like his sister’s, but he doesn’t even have it in him to even be angry anymore.) The memories come flooding back and, since Jehan’s still and silent, he allows himself to cry, broken and loathing and so fucking tired…

Jehan shifts. Tiefer wipes his eyes and Jehan just crawls into his lap, skinny arms curling around Tiefer’s neck, both comforting and terrified, but he’s seen that look behind Tiefer’s eyes and in the way he never smiled any more and how he stared blankly at a monster it seemed only he could see. He’s seen it on his mama and now he’s seen it on his parrain, and even though his entire body hurts, Jehan’s been seeing it on his mama for so so long now that he doesn’t want to see it here.

Because if he sees it here, that means Tiefer, who moments ago had held him down and pushed inside and sliced him open, can still feel, that Tiefer’s still human; but Jehan’s back is bleeding and his muscles burn and it’s not fair – he’s supposed to be the hurt one, not Tiefer.

So he buries his face against his parrain’s chest, avoiding a face that had never been the same ever since his daddy died.

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Pretty Boy

06/12/2012

mature | tiefer/other male character

“Oh God…”

Emilein burrowed his face in the sheets, his balled up fists tangled in the sheets clamping down against his ears to try to block out everything about the man above him, but he couldn’t block out the feeling of the too big cock filling his insides, stretching him wide. Annemarie’s latest beau had gotten tired of her loose cunt, apparently, and came looking for the little fag who couldn’t keep his legs shut, as he knew some of her past lovers referred to him. He never really turned them down—he knew better than to say no, knew better than to get them upset—but he never wanted this either, to be forced head down into the sheets with his legs spread too wide and body pushed over the edge.

“You’re so pretty.”

He felt a hand run through his hair and he had to repress an embarrassing whimper. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had called him pretty. Girly, sure, he’d heard that a lot, but girly meant weak, not pretty. Nathan was the last person to call him pretty. Sure, he’d been cracking jokes, but Emilein knew he meant it, Nathan always meant what he said, and Nathan had meant it when he’d called him pretty and oh God did it hurt to hear that from this disgusting bastard. But…if he pretended this was Nathan above him, Nathan with his hands gripping his hips too tight, Nathan breathing heavily in his ear as he moved, faster and faster, his hips bucking hard inside of him—

“An’ so tight.”

Nathan would never say that, not with such a filthy, mocking little hum to his voice. But maybe, maybe after a few nights with him, his own filthy tongue would’ve brushed off on Nathan and then he’d be the one whispering all sorts of filth in his ear, he’d be the one bucking faster and faster, he’d be the one spilling inside of him with a shudder and a groan, not this latest fuck-toy of his sister’s.

“What a pretty boy…” Another hand through his hair as he was forced to look at him. “Don’t you want to come for me, pretty?”

And Emilein did. Emilein came with a small, pained whimper at the older man’s hand, but he didn’t do it for him. He did it for Nathan who he just knew would never want him now.

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wordless love

04/03/2012

explicit | Émile/Carina

Carina was at the stove stirring a pot of red beans when the screen door slammed shut. She turned to see her lover tugging off his fishing boots coated in mud and leaving them by the screen door.

“Ah, Émile, I didn’t expect you home—”

“Save it, Cara,” he grunted as he straightened up and walked over to her before grabbing her by the waist and tugging her against him. “It’s been a long fuckin’ day.”

“I imagine so.”

He kissed her, his hands heavy on her hips, before pulling away and bringing her with him towards their room. Carina didn’t protest except to worry about watching the stove.

Émile simply shouted for Annemarie to make sure the house didn’t burn down before slamming the bedroom door behind them.

She was sprawled, naked, on the bed. Émile had wasted no time in stripping her, popping off one of the buttons on her dress (she had apologized with averted eyes) in his hurry, as he kissed along her jaw and throat and collar bones once he’d gotten that stupid dress off. He would have simply torn it off her, but he knew how much she liked the color—light blue, like her eyes. Just like he knew how much she liked what he had planned.

“Spread your legs,” he ordered, his hand resting on her lower belly, fingers splayed towards her navel. His thumb rested even lower and made her comply even faster than his tone of voice. “Good girlie.” He snickered and moved his hand to hold her legs apart as he kneeled down at the foot of the bed. Underneath his fingers, her muscles were taut. He kissed her, just once, and he felt her body spasm beneath him as she sucked in a breath.

He smirked and kissed her again. Her muscles twitched again beneath his hands. “Damn, I know you’re sensitive, baby, but shit, I ain’t done nothin’ yet. You’re so wound up…”

Her reply was a whimper of German and mumbling, neither of which he could understand. But by the way her eyes were screwed tight and her fingers were gripped in the bedsheets.

“Have you been thinkin’ ‘bout this all day?” he asked, ignoring the rest of her and kissing the inside of her thigh. “Hmm?”

She nodded, biting her lip.

“Sorry, Cara, I didn’t catch that.” His eyes were on her face. “Was you thinkin’ ‘bout me fuckin’ your wet cunt wit’ my tongue all day long? That why you’re so sensitive?”

“J-ja…”

He kissed her again, farther down her leg, and she whined. “Carina, you know we don’t speak that here,” he teased though there was an edge of warning to his voice. “Now, I’ll ask you again.” He brought his hand closer, letting his fingers graze against pinkened flesh. “Tu veux que je te baise?”

“Y-yes.”

“Avec ma langue?”

“Yes.”

He could hear the question in her voice. She didn’t understand what he was saying exactly and they both knew it. For all she knew, she could have agreed to letting him take her anally. But she trusted him—for whatever reason, she trusted him—and he enjoyed that trust too much to take excessive advantage of it, for the moment. So he kissed her a third time between her legs, letting his tongue trail against pink lips. He kissed and licked and spread her with his fingers while his tongue trailed slow and heavy against her, deliberately teasing and tasting.

She moaned, her breathing heavy. “Ah, Ém…Émile, please don’t…”

“Mmm, don’t what?” he asked, breath warm against her skin.

“T-tease me like that.”

“Tease you?” he asked with a smirk before kissing her lightly.

“Nein, nein, no, you know vhat I mean.”

Her accent was heavier and he could have sworn he heard her curse in German, but he didn’t pay it any mind. The noises she was making combined with her scent and her taste already made him wish he had stripped off his jeans and drawers the same time he was tugging off her dress.

“I do, chère.” He slid a finger inside of her as he kissed her clit, letting his tongue circle and swirl and tease her while he stretched her. Her fingers tangled in his sandy hair and her hips canted up to meet his lips, all the while her own lips let out moans and whispered, whimpered mantras of his name mixed with a language he didn’t care to know. They continued this way for a short time until—

“Stop.”

Émile looked up at Carina, his eyes on her heaving chest and her flushed face. “Yes?” he asked, his breath tickling her.

“Come…come here,” she panted, tugging on his collar. He obliged. She pulled him down on top of her, kissing him hungrily, tasting herself, as she pulled him flush against her. His clothes rubbed against her body and she moaned against his lips. “A-ah…I vant you,” she said slowly, her accent very thick now, her voice heavy with lust. “I vant you to fuck me, Émile.”

Kissing her again, he quickly pulled off his belt and let it drop onto the bed, followed by his pants and drawers which were rucked down to his ankles and kicked off. He didn’t bother with his shirt, too distracted as he was. He kneeled between her legs and pressed the head of his cock against her. “Nice an’ wet, baby, jus’ perfect…” He slowly pushed in, his hands coming to rest on the swell of her hips as he sunk deep inside her. He squeezed hard, hard enough to bruise her pale flesh, but she didn’t seem to mind. She never showed it, anyway.

She only pulled him closer with a moan and a whispered “I love you” against his chest.

They lay tangled together in the sheets. Carina had a few more bruises along her hips and on her throat. She didn’t say anything, though, and Émile wasn’t about to beg forgiveness when he hadn’t even needed to ask permission. Instead, he nuzzled against her cheek, kissing her.

“Mm, tha’ tickles,” she mumbled against his cheek, rough with stubble.

“Tough,” he grunted, holding her closer. “I like kissin’ you.”

Carina smiled, easing into his arms. They were silent for a bit. “Hey, Émile,” she said, breaking the peace, “I meant what I said.”

“Hm?”

“When we…together…” She turned to look at him. “I…I love you. I do. I really do, Émile.”

Émile simply nodded—what Carina took as a wordless “I love you too”—before kissing her again and dozing off with her in his arms.

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princess

04/18/2012

mature | nathan/tiefer

Nathan had driven up to New Orleans to visit Tiefer that weekend, and the first place they hit was Bourbon. That was also the last place they hit considering, as they stumbled back to Nathan’s hotel room, neither could really stay upright for too long. That was how they both wound up on Nathan’s bed, Tiefer sprawled on top of him, his white alb from seminary all wrinkled.

“They gon’ yell at you for getting’ your dress all messed up?”

Tiefer sat up enough to swat at the other’s head. He missed and wound up falling over against the crook of his neck. Nathan just laughed at him. “ ‘S not a dress, fuckface. It’s a fuckin’ alb.”

Nathan shrugged. “Looks like a dress.”

“Yeah well…you look like a fuckface.”

“Aw, c’mon, don’ be like tha’…” Lifting the other some so that he could see his face, Nathan grinned. “What if I said it was a pretty dress. Like…like you were pretty like a, uh, a princess or somethin’.”

Tiefer’s cheeks were pink. “I’m not a princess,” he huffed, though his annoyance was ebbed by the alcohol and the fact that Nathan called him pretty. “I don’ look like no princess.”

“But you’re…uh…you’re fair. Like whasserface, the one wit’ the apple.” 

“Thanks, Nate.” Tiefer rolled his eyes. “Mm, an’ what, ‘stead of a wicked queen I jus’ got a wicked sister?”

“Well nothin’ good happened to neither of ‘em, now did it? Naw. ‘Cause you, you a princesses, yeah, ‘cause like I said. You’re fair,” Nathan reached out, clumsily pushing the other’s bangs from his eyes. “An’ skinny.” Though Tiefer wasn’t as small and scrawny as he used to be, he was still rather slender. “An’ wearin’ a dress. Like a princess.”

Tiefer was silent for a moment. “So…if I’m a princess…” He swallowed hard before leaning in closer. “ ’S that make you ma prince?” Nathan had saved him in more ways than one when they were children, though he never had given him what he truly wanted. This was a last shot for a knight in shining armor, even if the armor was made of beer bottles.

“Mm…princesses do need princes.” He was still smiling, the drunk.

“Then,” Tiefer began as he moved to straddle Nathan’s hips, “we need to have a happily ever after, yeah?”

“…G-guess so.”

When Tiefer kissed him, Nathan didn’t push him away.

— —

“Oh God!”

Nathan kissed him and pulled him up against his bare body, his hands sliding down his back and rucking up the alb. Tiefer moaned into the kiss, rocking his hips slightly.

“Like tha’, princess?”

“Hnng, you’re so fuckin’ charmin’—ah, fuck!” Tiefer wrapped his arms around Nathan’s neck to pull himself up some as Nathan grabbed his ass and pushed him forward, their erections pressing against each other. “Goddammit, Nate,” he hissed. “God, yes…”

Nathan simply tugged at the alb, pulling it up over Tiefer’s head so that he was completely bare except for the little golden chain around his neck from which a small crucifix hung, falling against his chest as the clothing was removed. Silently, Nathan let his hands fall against Tiefer’s sides, kissing him on the cheek. 

“Mm, Nate, I got some lube…in my alb, jus’…”

“You jus’ carry that around wit’ ya?”

Tiefer grinned, rolling his hips and earning a shaky groan from the other. “Only sometimes.”

Nathan paused, looking him over. “W-well do we need it?” He asked and pressed his hands firmer on Tiefer’s ribs, gently holding him still. “I mean, it’s just…we’re not…I wasn’t gonna…”

“You weren’t gonna fuck me, huh.” He let go of the other’s neck and shoved his hands away. “You was jus’ pretendin’ ‘cause…’cause you’re drunk an’ horny an’ so’m I an’…” He bit his lip and slid off his lap. “Hn, some fuckin’ prince charmin’ you turned out to be, huh?”

“Wait, Em—”

“No, Nate!” Tiefer rounded on him. “No, I’m not gonna fuckin’ wait. I’ve been waitin’ all my fuckin’ life for you…for you to…” His voice sat trapped in his throat. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why won’t you? Jus’ once?” He paused. “When we ain’t so pissed outta our minds? When we’re actually sober?” His voice trailed off into a hoarse whimper and he could feel his eyes watering. “When you actually fuckin’ mean it?”

Nathan got up from the bed and slowly wrapped his arms around the other’s waist. “Em, you’re my friend.”

“Then why can’t you—”

“Because you’re my friend,” he repeated. “An’ I love you. But I can’t, Em. I’m not like you.”

Tiefer scowled and pushed at Nathan’s hands. “Friends don’t fuckin’ do this, Nate. Friends don’t pretend like that.”

“I thought tha’s what ya wanted.” 

“Of course I want this!” He sighed and slumped against him. “I want this, I want you, I want everythin’.”

“I can’t give you everythin’,” Nathan said and kissed him on the temple. “I can’t an’ you know it. But I can at least give ya this, huh? Won’t this do?” He paused. “You’re not even supposed to do this anymore. You’re gonna be a priest.”

“Thought you said I was a princess,” Tiefer huffed.

“Yeah, princess of pains in the ass.”

“You’re an ass.”

“C’mon.” He pulled away and gently tugged Tiefer by the wrist. “Lay down wit’ me?” In response was a noncommittal grunt and a pointed glare. “Don’t be like that. Please? …Like when we were kids?”

At that, Tiefer followed obediently, curling up beside Nathan on the small bed. Their limbs were intertwined, the two of them simply lying beside each other, fingers gently sliding along the other’s body, eventually winding up between the other’s legs. Just like when they were kids.

“I love you,” Tiefer mumbled into the pillow afterwards as they simply laid there.

Nathan opened his eyes, smiling some. “Mmm. Me too.”

They fell asleep like that on Nathan’s bed, Tiefer sprawled on top of him, his white alb from seminary all wrinkled on the floor below.

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Shut Up

01/31/2012

explicit | jehan/tiefer

canonish
from back when Jehan had a secret woman

“Shut up!”

Jehan was shaking, his whole body rigid. The back of his hand stung from where he’d struck the white-haired priest who leaned against the wall.

“Shut up,” he repeated, his voice breaking some. He sounded like a boy—felt like a boy—but he’d never hit Tiefer when he was a boy (not but once) and never told Tiefer to shut up. Tiefer would have beat him, then, because Tiefer was so big and he was so small. Now, even though he was only a foot or so smaller than the man before him, even though he’d had enough strength in his small frame to force him into the wall, he still shook like a boy. 

And Tiefer noticed.

“Aw, po’ petit,” Tiefer sneered, pulling away from the wall, his hand on his cheek. The backhand had not hurt, though it certainly took him by surprise. “I’m  only tellin’ the truth, cher.”

“Bullshit. All you ever do is lie and cheat and manipulate.”

“An’ I could say the same for you. You lyin’ to everyone you see, includin’ God, you cheatin’ on your Bride,” he glanced at the crucifix on the wall, “and manipulatin’ a po’ little girlie into your bed every night.”

“You liar.”

“You Judas.” Tiefer lowered his hand and slowly approached Jehan. “You’ve betrayed every single thing you’re supposed to stand for ‘cause of some broad. Lookit you, Jehan, what a good boy you’ve been. Bet ya mama’d be proud if she knew.”

Jehan stepped back, pulling away from the other priest. “I don’t want to hear it anymore, Tiefer.” 

“An’ your brother, what if he knew?” Tiefer cornered him against the wall of the rectory. “What if he knew that perfect big brother Jehan, can’t do no wrong Jehan, mama’s favorite baby Jehan…what if he knew you what you got up to every single night?”

“Shut up, Tiefer, I mean it!”

“Oh, you frightenin’, yeah. Really, baby, you are.” He sneered, pressing close. Jehan was shaking against him, his face scrunched up in anger and disgust. “Hm, I wonder whatcher daddy’d say. Bet he’d be real proud to know the only son he ever got to know was no better than an adulterer an’ a whore.”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Rounding on the taller priest who shouldn’t be there—who wasn’t there—and grabbing him by the shoulders, Jehan shoved him up against the wall with the satisfying smack of spine and skull against wood and plaster. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the rush of rage and adrenaline clouding his mind. It made his blood boil, made his hands shake with a need to grab and punch and just break, made his body ache for some release, whether through a fight or even a fuck.

Tiefer seemed to sense it—seemed to smell the fear and want that washed over the small priest before him—and it made him laugh, low and deadly and trailing off into a choked groan as Jehan shoved his arm against his throat, pressing down.

“I told you to shut up,” he bit out. He was still shaking some, but whether from fear or adrenaline or something more, neither knew and neither cared.

The white-haired priest twisted some in his grip, his lips curling into a nasty grin. “What, don’t like the truth?” he sneered, his voice half-hoarse from the pressure on his throat. “Hn, what’re you gonna do about it? Gonna shut me up all by your baby self? Gonna choke me?” He chuckled, the sound quickly breaking into a mangled gag as Jehan pressed harder on his windpipe, his thinning patience and growing rage building as steadily as the pressure on the other’s throat.

The smaller priest didn’t say a word, though, as he grabbed the front of the other’s cassock and shoved him to the ground. Tiefer laughed, the choked sound cut off with a swift kick to the ribs. 

“When I tell you to do something,” Jehan snarled and kicked him again, “I expect you to do it. So when I tell you to shut up,” another kick, another choked laugh, “I expect you to shut the fuck up!”

Spitting blood down his front, Tiefer grinned up at Jehan. “Make me, baby. C’mon, Je-Je, you look so wound up, so…anxious…Let it all out now, c’mon, c’mon, you know you wanna show me who’s boss ‘round here.” He practically giggled when Jehan kicked him again. “Tha’s not enough, baby, not much more’n your words, ha… Mais, that all you got? Not much of a man, are ya, princess?”

“Get up. On your knees.” 

The order was quick though the older priest was not fast enough for the other’s liking. After a few silent seconds, Jehan huffed, impatient, before bending over and pulling Tiefer up onto his knees into a slumped heap. Tiefer merely grinned in response, blood smearing his teeth.

Jehan narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“You’re jus’ so cute when you think you’re in control.”

“Don’t fucking patronize me,” he snapped, yanking the older man’s head up by his hair. “Who’s on their knees, huh? Who’s covered in blood?”

“Who told you to let it all out?” Tiefer replied, his grin turning sour, a dark gleam in his one good eye. “I hold the leash here, cher.”

A strangled cry died in the smaller priest’s throat, taken over by a snarl of pure need—the need to wipe that fucking smirk off of Tiefer’s fucking face, the need to hurt, the need to humiliate, dominate, win. He could feel it burning his bones, his muscles, his skin; the feeling ran through his whole body, pooling deep in his stomach, warm and festering and not at all sated by just a mere smattering of blood. He needed more. 

He needed to rub Tiefer’s face in it.

He kept one hand clenched in his hair, keeping Tiefer still (though in his state, he wasn’t about to go anywhere far); the other quickly undid his belt and rucked down his pants before pulling out his cock, already flushed and hard. 

Tiefer was still grinning even as the head of the other’s cock rested against his lips. “So, this gonna be it? I’m supposed to lick an’ suck an’ bob my  head until you get off, yeah?” Behind his madman’s grin was the unspoken ‘pathetic’ that sat on the tip of his tongue.

But Jehan shook his head. “Not at all,” he said before pressing against his lips. “You’re supposed to open up—that’s it, baby.”

Surprisingly, Tiefer did as he was told, leaving Jehan free to push deep into his mouth until he hit the back of his throat. He could feel the muscles spasm, could hear the choked gurgles as Tiefer tried to remember how to breathe (even if he didn’t need to.) 

“Am I in control yet?” Jehan asked with a sneer as he began to thrust in and out of the other’s mouth. There were no slow, steady licks, no tricks of the tongue or light graze of teeth—only heavy breathing from Jehan as he moved his hips and the occasional whimper of pain from Tiefer. “Is this fucking cute?”

Tiefer did not answer, any capabilities of speech stamped out as his mouth was reduced to nothing more than a warm hole for the smaller priest to fuck with rage and abandon. He did, however, keeps his eyes focused on Jehan, glinting red behind his now skewed glasses as if to answer Jehan that yes, it is fucking cute the way he thinks he’s in control. 

Because no matter what Jehan did to him, beat him or berated him or fucked him dry and bloody on the unscrubbed floor, Tiefer was still in control. Tiefer had goaded him to act. Tiefer wasn’t real—no, just an illusion, a simple hallucination, a ghost—but he had more control over Jehan than the smaller priest himself even had. And to the man with an aching jaw kneeling on the ground, that fact was both insanely pitiful and horribly amusing.

Jehan knew this—of course he knew—but he could not help but enjoy the momentary sweetness in wiping away the other’s smirk, in choking him hard and cutting him off, in paying back all the bitterness that Tiefer carved into his life with equal bitterness in his current position and on his tongue. And when he pulled away with a swallowed groan and spilled white and hot against parted lips downturned with no smile and on sallow cheeks barely flushed, Jehan leaned back against the wall, spent and tired, and grinned at the sight of Tiefer on his knees, his glasses askew, his hair mussed from where he was held still, and his face marred with white streaks. 

“There you go,” he gasped. “I let it all out. You happy now?”

Tiefer wiped at his face, brought his dirtied hand to his lips, and lapped away the dripping mess. “Ecstatic,” he growled. “Way to be a man, Jehan.”

The shorter priest shrugged him off and fixed his clothing. “Shut up.”

“Hn, bet your daddy’d be real proud if he could see you now!”

Scowling, Jehan turned on his heel and left, the sound of Tiefer’s laughter ringing in his ears.

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Daddy

01/24/2019

mature | tiefer/jehan

not un-canon

“Daddy…daddy…oh fuck– Daddy!”

Jehan had woken up in a sweat (from a dream that was wrong in so many ways) to a dark, dark room that should have been empty but wasn’t – and the burnt glow of a lit cigarette’s crumbling embers and the unnatural red of what had once been two piercing eyes told him just who his company was.

(Then again, he always knew; ghosts haunted places, yes, but also people and wasn’t he always the lucky one?)

“You’re too old to be nearly pissin’ yourself over some dreams, boy.”

“No thanks to you. Bet you wish I had.”

“Oh c’mon Jehan, I’m not a pervert.”

Jehan had glared and what had once been Tiefer (or perhaps still was or perhaps this was all in his head) had merely smiled sweetly before stepping closer to the bed. “So what’s got you so upset, p’tit?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t look like nothin’.”

Tiefer had reached out, his nails looking long and bloodied, like the urban legends kids told about corpses whose nails and hair grew long after death, and Jehan had immediately jerked away.

“P’tit–”

“Don’t touch me!”

Tiefer had scowled at that – scowled and grabbed Jehan by his throat, shoving him down on the bed as he leaned over him. “Don’t you ever order me around again, little boy!” His fingers had tightened, his lips inches away from Jehan’s.

And Jehan cowered. “Yes, sir.” And Jehan apologized. “Sorry, parrain…” And as the grip around his throat lessened, Jehan hated himself because even as a grown man he sounded like a child and even as a grown man, he was haunted (and even as a grown man, he still wanted him.)

“You’re lucky I don’t fuckin’ spank you.”

“I’m not a child.”

“You act like a bratty one.”

Jehan did not comment at that, did not rise to the bait. “Well I’m not your child.”

“But you want to call me ‘Daddy’.”

Jehan had flushed red at that. (His mind had gone blank, replaced only by screams and screams and screams as if violated because oh God, Tiefer knew! Could ghosts see into dreams? Was it ever really a ghost at all? Was he mad? Oh God, oh God, oh d–)

It had taken him a moment to realize he’d been speaking aloud.

“If you wanna sound like you’re prayin’, little boy, I promise Daddy’s happy to get you down on your knees. Unless, of course, you’d rather be worshiped.”

The low growl in Tiefer’s voice, the way he slurred little boy, the way he got so close to Jehan as he said it (eyes alight and unnatural and so damn close and oh god he was dead, he was dead, he should want him dead and yet–) should not have gone straight between Jehan’s thighs but there he was, heart racing and all, trapped with a ghost in his bedroom – prey with no other options.

“I…”

Tiefer had placed his hand – cold, pale, not real, never real, god why did it feel so real – on Jehan’s thigh. “Tell Daddy what you want.”

“I want…” You to die and stay dead! Rot in Hell! Leave me alone! Haven’t you taken enough from me? “I want you to make me… Make me feel good. Please.”

“Please what?”

And Jehan had bowed his head and Jehan had shut his eyes and Jehan had said for the first of many times that night (as Tiefer so kindly made sure): 

“Please, Daddy.”

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Incidents

09/28/2014

mature | (msgr.) tiefer/adam

canon-compliant if not outright canon

The monsignor’s office was one of the few places in the small rectory that didn’t have air conditioning. Logic said it was because the monsignor was used to the heat, considering he was from as south as you could go in the country, but rumor said it was because he might actually be Satan.

“How long have you been out of seminary, Adam?”

“About two months, sir. Why?”

Tiefer leaned back in his chair. “D’you know why I took this job here?”

“Is that rhetorical or…”

Tiefer rolled his eyes. “No, please. Take a guess.”

“Uhm, because—”

“If you haven’t learned sarcasm yet, Adam, you’re gonna have a hell of a time working with me.”

Adam frowned. “My apologies, sir,” he bit out.

“As I was saying,” Tiefer continued, “I took this job because Fr. Davidson’s a senile old bastard and somebody needed to run this joint. It’s fairly standard. Anyone with experience could do it.”

“And you’re telling me this because?”

Tiefer held up a small manilla folder. “Look familiar?”

Adam shrugged. “I mean, I’ve been to Rite Aid before, sir. File folders aren’t exactly cutting edge.”

“Cute.” Opening the folder, Tiefer started scanning through. “You had quite a few…incidents…with a few of your classmates.”

“Eh, you know how it is.” Adam shifted in his seat, grinning. “One guy makes a smartass comment, you forget yourself, kinda rough him up a bit—”

“Do I look like a fuckin’ idiot to you?”

Adam froze, sinking in his seat.

“You can answer this one, Adam. Please, I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

“N-no, sir—”

“Then why are you taking me for one?”

Adam sunk lower.

“If it were something as petty as a few fights, the damn file’d say so. So again: why the hell are you takin’ me for an idiot, huh?”

“I’m sorry sir.”

Tiefer chucked the folder on his desk and leaned back, taking off his glasses with a sigh. “That wasn’t an answer, but I guess it’ll do…”

Adam pulled himself up. “Why’s this such a big deal, anyway? Uh, sir,” he added.

“Because I am in charge of your sorry ass, boy, and quite frankly, I don’t need anyone coming down on me because of your behavior.”

“What, are you afraid of a few bad marks on my report card?”

“No, I’m afraid of what they mean. Specifically for me when you get too many bad marks under my watch.”

“That was seminary—”

“Do I really have to ask you a third time whether or not I look like an idiot to you, Adam? Because I’m really tired of repeatin’ myself.” Grabbing the folder, Tiefer stood and crossed the room to place it back in the old filing cabinet before looking down at Adam. “You’re not the only person in this room with a folder full of vague little ‘incidents’.”

Adam looked away, eyes wide. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’,” Tiefer sneered, slamming the cabinet drawer closed. “Listen: I don’t care what you do on your down time. Really, I don’t. Fuck a guy. Fuck ten guys. I will give you the number of a whorehouse, that is how much I do not care,” he said, pacing closer to Adam before grabbing him by the collar and lifting him to his feet. “But be discreet or so help me God, I will make life absolutely miserable for you. Are we clear?”

“Y-yes, sir.”

“Good. Because if I get my ass shunted back to the swamps because somebody can’t keep it in his pants, we’re gonna have a fuckin’ incident and it’s gonna involve my fist down your throat.”

Adam winced. “So…not the fun kinda incident, huh?”

Letting him go, Tiefer smirked. “Well, I’d rather it not be my fist, but if the circumstances call for it…”

“Was that a—”

“I do care what you do on the church’s time, Adam, so you should probably get your ass out of my office and into the chapel because Mass starts in ten minutes.”

“…but it was a—”

“If you don’t learn thinly veiled suggestions, you’re also gonna have a hell of a time working under me. And you can take that any way you want, long as you take it out my office and do your damn job,” Tiefer said, waving him off.

–

Adam sat outside the church after mass, collar undone and cigarette dangling between his teeth.

“Hey, gimme one.”

Adam looked up to see Tiefer standing over him, palm out.

“Don’t you have a whole pack in your pocket?” Adam asked as he handed a cigarette over.

“Mmm, yeah,” Tiefer said, pulling out his lighter. “Mais, I am also your boss and you’d be an idiot to cry ‘bout me ‘abusin’ my power’ over a damn cigarette. So.” He lit the cigarette and took a drag. “There you go.”

“You do that often?”

“Hmm?”

“Abuse your power over petty things?”

“No. Sometimes I get little boys to give me blowjobs.”

Adam nearly choked.

“I’m joking, dumbass.” Tiefer took another drag. “I don’t do that shit on the clock.”

“Oh, so that’s where you draw the moral line.”

“Also a joke. I like younger men, sure, but not children.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “That’s such a relief.”

“But also yeah, I ain’t doin’ that shit when I’ll get caught. Did you not miss that whole discreet thing earlier? Mais…”

“Your accent’s slipping.”

“Ain’t at work no more, am I?”

“Guess not.” Adam took a slow drag. “So…that the only thing that slips when you’re not at work, sir?”

Tiefer smirked. “Nice to see you’re catchin’ on.”

“Believe it or not, I’m pretty smart.”

“I know. I saw your report from seminary.” Tiefer looked around the church walls and then to the rectory. “Okay, smartboy, tell me this: what’s that up there?” He pointed up in the corner of the rectory, right above the door.

“Security camera.”

“An’ what do they do.”

“Watch for intruders…?”

“Mhm. But there’s no point putting them inside the building, is there? ‘Specially in, say, an office.”

Adam looked him over. “Are you suggesting…?”

“I’m sayin’ if I were to abuse my authority over you by bendin’ you over my desk, there’d be absolutely no video proof whatsoever and, provided we were both quiet about it, neither of us would have a nasty little incident on our records.” Tiefer put out his cigarette against the church wall. “I ain’t suggestin’ shit.”

Adam put his cigarette out immediately.

—

“Has anyone told you you’re a bastard?”

Tiefer shoved Adam’s face into the desk.

“Is that any way to talk to your superior?”

Adam kicked back at him when he shoved his legs apart.

“Sorry — has anyone told you you’re a bastard, sir?”

“Well, considerin’ I am one, they wouldn’t be wrong.” Tiefer grinned and kissed Adam on the temple as he pressed a finger inside him.

“Good for you, you old — fucking! — bastard.”

“Ooh, what’s the matter? Would you rather I be gentle?” he sneered, pressing another finger inside. “Go real slow, cuddle you after?”

Adam whined, pressing his hips back and cursing into the desk. “I’d rather you shut up and fuck me.”

Tiefer pulled his fingers out. “Shut up and fuck me what?”

“Bastard.”

He pressed his cock between Adam’s legs, leaning over him. “Y’know, if you don’t wanna be polite about this, I’m fine just doin’ this like the Greeks and then leavin’ you to yourself.”

Adam muttered a handful of curses into the wood before pushing himself up on his elbows and glancing back at Tiefer. “Shut the hell up and fuck me, sir.”

“Good boy.”

—

They sat in Tiefer’s office afterwards, sharing a cigarette.

“It’s hot as hell in here.”

“Keeps people out. I like my privacy.”

“Don’t want people finding out about your little incidents, sir?”

Tiefer straightened up his cassock and grabbed the cigarette back from Adam.

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Disaster

2012-ish

prêtrecest au | explicit | prêtre siblings

an old trio of Jehan/Gene fics
back when he was named Jean and knew about Jehan's abuse

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

He wasn’t supposed to be here, sprawled on his back on his brother’s bed (he never slept in his room anymore, not after that night), his legs spread open, while his brother—his baby brother—kneeled before him, hands gently pressing between his legs, slippery and slick. He wasn’t supposed to widen his legs like that or arch his back into the touch or moan into the back of his hand.

“Jehan?”

This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was only a few beers.

—

Jean had come home that night much the same way he dressed and groomed and generally presented himself: loudly. The truck pulled up in the driveway with engine revving and the cassette player blaring Alice Cooper’s greatest hits so loudly, Jehan prayed that the tape would unwind and jam the whole thing up. Once the engine was killed, there was a blissful moment of silence before the front door slammed open and in walked Jean in ratty acid-washed jeans, neon green sneakers, and his favorite bright red argyle sweater that, combined with his multicolored hair, made him louder than a watermelon themed Christmas tree.

“Hey bro! What’s up?”

Jehan offered him a weak smile from where he leaned against the counter, hot water on the stove for his late-night cup of coffee. “Regaining my hearing,” he replied, spooning some instant coffee in his mug. “Didn’t expect you home so early. How was Mickey’s bachelor party?”

“It was awesome, Jeje, he was so surprised.”

“…He didn’t know y’all were doing this?”

“Naw, naw.” Jean pulled a chair from the kitchen table and plopped down on it awkwardly. “His fiancée knew though, no worries.”

Jehan quirked his brow, a small smile forming on his lips. “You and your friends went out running the streets and you’re sayin’ no worries?”  

“Yeah, no worries, no worries. We just took him out to dinner, had a few beers, an’ then him and the guys went out to a strip club.”

“Ah…” He poured the boiling water into his mug, followed by some milk, and stirred lightly. “So that’s why you’re home early.”

“Yeah.” Out of the corner of his eye as he went to put the milk back in the fridge, he could see his little brother rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, not my thing, y’know?”

“I know you haven’t drank enough otherwise I’d have gotten a call from the strip club asking me to pick your dumb ass up.”

“Aww, Jeje, is that anyway to thank me for not calling you?”

“Just be glad mama’s out of town and didn’t hear one damn word about strip clubs.” 

That was the reason either of them were actually at the house in the first place. Their mom had gone to visit her friends in Mississippi for the week and asked them to housesit for her. Well, really she had asked Jehan to housesit. Jehan, however, couldn’t stand being in that house for more than a day all on his own, so he called up Jean to keep him company. Granted, Jean spent more time out of the house than in, but as long as he was there while Jehan slept (what little sleeping he did), then Jehan was content. 

Jean pouted. “She woulda picked me up.”

“Oh and I wouldn’t?” As much of an annoyed front as he put up, Jehan wanted—needed—him home at night, safe and sound and close-by. 

“Naaaaaw,” Jean giggled, “’cause you’re a meanie.” He stuck his tongue out, the silver piercing glinting in the overhead light.

Jehan rolled his eyes as he joined his brother at the table, not looking at the bit of metal in his brother’s mouth. Their mom had thrown a fit when she saw that piercing (as she had done with his nose ring, his lip-ring, and the piercings littering his brows and ears) and tried to get him to side with her against his baby brother. It didn’t work—not because Jehan was particularly fond of the piercings, but because every time he thought about them, he thought about why, exactly, his baby brother had gotten them in the first place. Unlike their mother, he knew about his brother’s preferences, and some of those piercings brought images to mind that he was far from comfortable with thinking about. 

“How much did you have to drink again?” he asked once Jean bothered to stick his tongue back in his face. “Nevermind, you managed to drive home so I don’t want to know.”

Jean laughed. “I told ya, no worries. It was only a few beers.”

“Uh-huh…” Jehan took a sip of his coffee, leaning back in his chair. “I see how it is. Don’t bring me nothin’.”

“You’re a big boy, go to the store, get your own.”

“Man, do I look dressed to go to the goddamn store?” Jehan gestured to the old boxers he had round his hips and then to the too-big flannel shirt that hung off his shoulders and half exposed his bony chest. 

“Mm, true.” Looking his big brother over, Jean pursed his lips. “That one of dad’s old shirts?”

“Yeah. Mom gave me a bunch of them, dunno why.” He took another sip of coffee. “My wardrobe’s gonna be all black soon ‘nough. You’d get more use outta these.”

“Prob’ly ‘cause, like everyone says, you look so much like him,” Jean replied and Jehan could hear the silent “plus you’re her favorite” still sitting on his tongue.

“But I don’t. I’m not big like him, I’m not strong like him. I’m nothing like him!” He sighed. Maybe when their dad was a kid, perhaps, but he was nothing like the man Nathan was. His daddy wasn’t afraid of anything; he couldn’t even sleep in his own bedroom anymore. “Yet everyone keeps saying that: our aunts say it, our uncles say it, hell mom says it all the time, and even Tief—” He paused, shuddering. “Just…everyone says it and it’s bullshit.”

“Well then fuck everyone.”

Jehan looked at his brother who was now leaning towards him, his face serious. “Fuck ‘em. Fuck our aunts, fuck our uncles, fuck mom, an’ fuck Tiefer!”

 If he noticed how Jehan flinched, he didn’t say a word about it, to which Jehan was a bit surprised. Jean normally walked on eggshells around him, outside of his well-meaning but often badly placed displays of affection, but apparently a few beers fixed that. Not that Jehan was complaining—the change was welcome, even.

“Jean—”

“I don’t see dad when I lookit you.”

“Yeah, well, you never knew him.”

“So? I’ve seen his picture, haven’t I? I know what he looks like an’ when I look at you, I don’t see my dad.” He leaned in close. “You know what I see?”

“What?” Jehan could faintly smell beer on his brother’s breath but he didn’t pull away, not even when Jean pressed a finger to his chest. He was warm.

“I see my big brother an’ that’s that.”

There was silence between them broken only by the heavy, exasperated sigh from Jehan coupled with a rather pointed roll of his eyes. 

“Gee thanks, Captain Obvious,” he muttered, getting up from the table and taking his mug with him. 

“Hey wait—Jehan!” The chair scraped against the tile and suddenly Jean was behind him and around him, pulling him close in a hug. 

Jehan started, nearly dropping his mug. “Jean!” Coffee sloshed across his hand and spilled down his shirt. “Fuck!”

“Oh shit, sorry!” 

He backed off and there it was, that same embarrassed, nervous, frightened expression that Jehan had seen too many times on his little brother, the expression he wore every time he got close, every time he did something he thought was wrong, every time he danced around the eggshells. Jehan hated that expression.

“No…no, wait, Jean, it’s okay,” he said, grabbing his arm before he pulled too far away. He set the cup down on the counter before turning back to Jean. “It just—the coffee’s hot, man, you gotta be careful.”

His face lit up a bit, though his eyes were still nervous, like a small deer. “Oh…then you aren’t upset I hugged you?”

“No, I’m not.” Why would I be? I love you. “I…” He couldn’t say it. Jean never believed anything he said after little outbursts. Hell, this was the first time he’d hugged him that tight in a long time—ever since Jehan snapped at him for surprising him with a big, tight, warm hug, Jean had stopped hugging him altogether except as a light hello. He was afraid of breaking him and that pissed Jehan off. He wasn’t some porcelain doll, he was a grown man, damn it! 

“Jehan?”

He looked up at Jean again, at his bright blue eyes, at his half-parted lips, at all glinting metal that decorated his face, and pulled him close, burrowing his face in the crook of his neck. “Hug me,” he muttered against his neck. “Hold me.” He wrapped his arms around his back, clutching tight. “Shit, hit me.”

“Jehan—”

“Whatever you need to do to realize I’m not made of fucking glass, do it,” he ordered, pulling away just enough to look up at his brother. “I’m not breakable, Jean. I’m not!” He realized he sounded like a pouty child but he didn’t care. “My po’ ass is already broken and in more ways than one, okay, so you can stop acting like I’m gonna fall to fuckin’ pieces. Quit walkin’ on eggshells, shit. You said his name and didn’t care—”

“Really? Shit, I’m sorry!”

“No!” He shook him. “No, you’re not sorry, don’t be sorry, don’t you fuckin’ dare!” He was shouting and his face felt hot and he had to get it out before he started crying, before Jean started thinking he was glass again. “Don’t apologize. I want that. I want you to not care. I want you to treat me like a normal goddamn human being, Jean.”

Silence sat between them. Jehan didn’t speak, didn’t even breathe as his brother looked him over. “But Jehan…you’re not a normal human being.”

He wasn’t sure if the noise that came tumbling out of his throat was a cry of anger or a sob; either way, he felt himself sinking and grabbed onto his baby brother—his baby brother that was so much bigger than him, his baby brother that looked abnormal, his baby brother that wouldn’t treat him normal—to stop from falling to the ground. He buried his face back against his neck, not without mumbling a number of just audible enough swears, all directed at his brother.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jean finally managed and Jehan thought he heard his breath hitch, like a small sob. “I meant, to me, you’re not just a normal human being—”

“Really then,” he spat, his voice harsher than Jean deserved. “So what the fuck am I to you, huh? An abnormal, fuckin’…fuckin’ glass doll or some shit? Huh? Some kicked puppy to be pitied?”

“No, it’s just that…you’re my big brother. You’ll never be just a normal human being just like you’ll never be dad or whatever everyone else says. You’re my brother an’ I’m gonna treat you like a brother should.”

Jehan was silent, his eyes wide in shock. He’d expected pity. He’d almost wanted it, just so that his anger would be justified; instead, Jean simply gave him love. This time, as he held himself close to Jean, he knew the sound falling from his lips was a sob.

—

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

They weren’t supposed to be going back to Jean’s room—at least, not for this. They weren’t supposed to press so close or be so warm or want so badly. They weren’t supposed to be kissing, his hands on his brother’s belt, tugging it off, while his brother’s hands pushed his too-big shirt from his shoulders, undoing just one button so that it fell to the floor. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He hadn’t drank a single beer.

—

“So you had fun at the bachelor party?”

It was an attempt at normal conversation as they sat, snuggled up, on the little sofa in the living room that openly connected with the kitchen. Jehan had his coffee and was calm enough in his brother’s arms to talk without sniffling. Jean was just happy to be close.

“Yeah, like I said it was awesome. Still can’t believe Mickey’s getting married, though.” He frowned. “He’s only twenty-three.”

“Would you rather him be thirty-two like me?”

“Well, naw, maybe like…twenty-seven or something? Sounds reasonable.”

Jehan shrugged.

“To tell you the truth, I’d have thought you’d’ve been married by now,” Jean added, glancing at his brother. “I mean, besides the whole…seminary thing.”

“You thought I’d be married? Really?” Jehan laughed. “Jean, I ain’t even had my first real kiss yet…” He paused, his gaze only a little hollow as he stared down at his cooling coffee. “I mean, except…”

“You went all throughout high school and college without even having your first kiss?” 

Hunching his shoulders some, Jehan glanced furtively at his brother before returning his gaze to the coffee, not about to look up. “No,” he mumbled, his cheeks reddening. “I haven’t.”

“Blasphemy! Nobody’s ever kissed my big brother? It’s an outrage!”

Jehan doesn’t need to look—he can hear the mock horror and indignation in his brother’s voice. It made him smile, if only for a second. After all, Jean didn’t say ‘except’ or ‘nobody that matters.’ No, he just said ‘nobody.’ He snuggled closer and wiped the smile off his face as he looked up. “An outrage, huh?” he asked, trying not to snicker. “An’ blasphemy too?”

Jean flashed him a grin. “Damn straight! That’s outright scandal right there.”

He rolled his eyes. His brother could be entertaining with a bit of drink in him. “Oh and what’re you gonna do about it, huh?”

“Gimme yer coffee.”

“Wha—Why?” he asked but Jean already had his hand on the mug and easily slipped it from his fingers, setting it on the ground before he turned back to his brother. “Jean, give it back—”

“Do you want me to spill it on you again?”

“Why would y—”

But he didn’t get to finish as Jean was close, too close. His lips pressed against his, the metal of his lip ring digging into his bottom lip, leaving a small indent. He could smell his breath once more, the smell of alcohol just faint enough that he knew, he knew that the beer had to be where this was coming from, but then his tongue flicked out against his lips, that little bit of metal pressing against him, and he couldn’t help but let him in with a small gasp, parting his lips for his little brother. And Jean took him, took him like he would any other man, any normal man, that sat before him with lips parted and cheeks flushed, and Jehan couldn’t help but make a small sound at the realization.

Jean, however, pulled away at the sound which, upon second thought, Jehan realized sounded way too close to a whimper.

“Oh God, Jehan, I shouldn’t have done that, why would I think you of all people would want that, shit, I’m sorry—”

“No!” Immediately, Jehan grabbed him and pulled him back, kissing him hungrily. His hands fisted in his brother’s sweater and held on tight for dear life, like a small child claiming his favorite toy. He should be embarrassed at how wanton he is, should be ashamed that this is his brother—his brother who was just being nice and stupid and a little bit drunk—but he’s neither of those things when he pulled away, his cheeks lightly flushed and lips dark pink and body too hot. “No, I told you not to be sorry.”

“But—”

“If you say sorry again, I’ll kick your ass.”

A pause and then a snicker. “I’d like to see you try, shortstuff.”

Jehan growled and tackled him, small enough to get on top of him easily and heavy enough to be a bit difficult to move off. He sat there, straddling his little brother with a triumphant smirk, and shifted slightly. That’s when he felt it. Immediately, he froze.

“Jehan?”

“Y-you’re…” He looked down. Jean followed his gaze.

“Oh. Uhm…yeah, just a bit.” He grinned sheepishly. “B-but so are you.” His gaze flickered down to his boxers that are a little tighter than before.

Jehan didn’t say a word. Of course Jean would be hard. And of course he would be hard, he’d been groomed to do so for years. He knew he shouldn’t be so surprised, so scared, but there he was, straddling his brother—his baby brother, his turned-on brother—and he knew what came after this, knew how badly it could hurt—would hurt—and knew he had let it happen. He deserved what came after, deserved the hurt and the paint because he let it happen. It was his fault. This was his fault.

“Jehan?”

He snapped his head up. “Y-yeah?”

“Jehan, if you don’t…oh, c’mere.” Jean sat up and, putting his arms around Jehan, gently lifted him off his lap. “Let’s just stop, okay? If you don’t want me—”

“I do want you!” It came out too fast, the panic and the fear and the loneliness, too much and all at once. He didn’t want to be alone. Tiefer used to hit him and scream at him, yes, but the worst was when he ignored him outright, acting as if he didn’t exist. Sometimes, the priest would just lock him in a separate room for hours on end because he couldn’t be bothered with him. He didn’t want that. He’d already alienated Jean too much before; he didn’t want to lose him now. “Don’t go! Don’t, please, please, I’m sorry.”

“Jehan, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me.” God, he was crying. “I want you, please…please don’t leave…” Jean was right, he was a stupid broken doll.

Jean shushed him and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m not gonna leave, just let me finish, okay?” He waited until Jehan nodded. “If you don’t want me to do something, tell me.”

“I…” Taking a deep breath, Jehan looked his brother over. “I’m scared,” he admitted. “I’m scared it’ll hurt.” I’m scared you’re right, I am made of glass.

“Then we can stop. I can stop.”

“You’ll stop?” He knew it was wrong, knew this wasn’t really how normal people acted, but sex made Tiefer nicer to him and sex made Tiefer calm and sex made the knives go away, made his Parrain come back, made everything the way it used to be between him and the priest, even if for only a few hours, so why couldn’t it make them normal? Why couldn’t it make them the way they used to be? Besides, Jean wasn’t Tiefer. Jean was always nice all the time. Jean slept with men and never hurt. Jean would stop if he asked, if he demanded. “No matter what?”

“No matter what.”

Jehan nodded. “Then I want this. I want you.”

“You’re sure, Jeje?”

“You’re my first kiss.” He smiled, slowly. “I’d like if you were my first time, too.”

—

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

They were men, even if times were lenient now. They were brothers, even if they were years apart. He was a deacon, soon-to-be priest. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was only a few beers. He hadn’t drank a single one. This was never supposed to happen.

But he wanted it to happen. He let it happen. And he could stop it from happening.

“Jehan?”

 Looking up, blearily, at his younger brother above him in the half dark, Jehan smiled. He could see the glimmer of all the piercings decorating his face and body with still more out of sight, could see the brightness of his half-lidded eyes, could see the small smile on his lips and he wanted it, wanted it more than anything. He wanted it, he let it, and he wouldn’t stop it, not now, not ever.

“Mm, do that again.”

Smiling more now, Jean curled his finger, adding a second slowly inside of his brother, and watched him squirm against the sheets. “Like that?”

“A-ah—the fuck you think?”

“Ooh, big brother’s got a mouth on him!” he laughed before bending down to kiss Jehan, open and wet and hungry, as he twisted his fingers and made him buck his hips, a third finger soon following. “Gonna make any more cute sounds for me?” he asked once he pulled away just far enough to talk. His piercing still pressed against Jehan’s lips, making his words come out in stuttered gasps.

“D-depends…you gonna gimme a-a reason to?”

He responded by pulling his fingers out all at once, earning a pained whine from Jehan that he quickly silenced with another hungry kiss, exploring his mouth with flicks of his tongue, the metal piece clacking against his teeth and making Jehan moan all the more. He rocked his hips slightly, the head of his cock brushing against the other’s hole.

“You like my piercings, huh, Jeje?” he teased.

Biting his lip, Jehan nodded. “Yes, fuck yes…” Just the thought of his brother’s cock inside of him, slowly pushing in inch by inch, the little metal piercings rubbing against him, inside him, with every inch, made him gasp and moan and rock his hips. “Please…”

“Please?”

He whined. “In me…please, please, Jean, fuck me…” 

He sounded so helpless, but they both knew that wasn’t true—Jean had heard helpless earlier that night, had seen how broken his brother was, but this? This wasn’t broken, this wasn’t helpless. This was pure want and need and complete openness. Gently holding his legs open, Jean pressed the head of his cock against him lightly. “You ready?”

Whimpering, Jehan nodded, eyes scrunched tight. He wasn’t all that ready. In fact, he was still very scared, but he nodded anyway.  He wanted this.

Jean was still smiling but the teasing lilt was gone. “You tell me if it hurts. No matter what, tell me.” 

His voice was soft and sweet and made Jehan smile. He opened his eyes a little. “I will.”

“Good,” Jean said and Jehan was almost shocked not to hear ‘boy’ added nastily at the end, but this was Jean. Jean was with him and Jean wanted him. “I’m gonna go slow, okay?”

“O-okay.”

True to his word, Jean slowly pushed in until the head of his cock was inside, the first of his piercings rubbing against the stretched muscle. “Good?” he asked, tentatively.

Jehan couldn’t talk, his whole body tense. It was odd, as the feeling often was, yet it didn’t hurt, not at all like he knew it could, thought it would, and the cool metal of his piercing rubbing just there against his entrance was driving him mad. Nodding his head, he tried rolling his hips but his body was too tense. “A-ah, fuck!”

“Shh, just relax.” He kissed him again, lightly, before moving his hips again, slowly, giving him another inch, another piercing, another kiss. Again and again, the process slowly repeated, Jean giving paused for Jehan to relax his body despite his protests and whimpers for more, more, more, until finally he was completely inside, piercings and all, up to the hilt. 

Jehan sighed, letting out the breath Jean had been telling him to let out the entire time.

“Are you okay?”

Panting slightly, Jehan flashed him a grin. “I’d be better if you fucked me.”

Jean smiled back. “Big brother knows best.” He hands came to rest on Jehan’s hips, holding tight and secure, and he began to slowly pull out again, letting Jehan feel every inch, every bit of metal, until only the very tip remained. He stayed like that for a moment, watching Jehan squirm and push back against him, trying to get more, to get it all, until he took pity and moved back inside, a little faster than before. “Is this good?”

“Mmn…Perfect.”

“D’you want more?”

“Oh Jesus, yes.”

He’d heard a lot of blasphemy over the years, especially in the bedroom, but never did it sound as filthy and naughty and so wrongly right as it did coming from his big brother, his deacon brother, his soon-to-be a priest brother. It made his cock twitch inside, made his pulse race, made his hips buck harder and faster, setting a new rhythm that had Jehan calling out all sorts of things, obscenities, blasphemies, and sometimes his name—something Jean never thought so nice sounding until now, hearing it from his brother, like that. It should sound horrible but since when had he ever done anything he should?

“Does big brother want more?” he teased, seeing Jehan wasn’t about to push him away (not with the way he was moaning.)

“Please, God, yes…”

He obliged, moving faster and faster, one hand now snaking down to ghost over his brother’s cock, earning a shuddering moan. “You like that?”

“Y-yes…”

“What d’you like about it?”

“Fuck, Jean, don’t make me—”

There was an edge—a plea—to his voice that Jean didn’t know nor care to know where it came from. “I won’t, I won’t…I’ll just keep finding what you like, okay?” He touched him again, rubbing gently and getting a whimper in reply. 

He continued to tease his brother’s cock, eventually just gripping him and loosely pumping in time with his thrusts, which were growing more and more erratic with every second.

“Oh God, J-jean, I’m…I’m gonna…”

Jean kissed him, softly, a murmured, “Go ahead, you deserve it” against his lips.

Moaning into the kiss, Jehan did come, spilling white and hot all over his own stomach and his brother’s hand, his hips bucking some. Jean soon followed, the evidence coating his big brother’s insides. He stayed inside of him as he kissed him again, wrapping his arms around his neck. Slowly, he pulled out and moved to lay beside Jehan, his head resting on his shoulder.

“So,” he whispered sleepily, “enjoy your first kiss?”

Jehan laughed. “Better’n my first time.”

Jean frowned before masking it with a mocking, put-upon frown. “Aww, c’mon, I’m not that bad, huh?”

He shot him a look, almost confused, until it came back to him. Jehan laughed again (and if it sounded just that much more hollow than before, Jean didn’t mention it.) “No…no, you’re perfect. I’m sorry.”

Jean kissed him on the cheek before nudging him. “If you say sorry again, I’ll kick your ass.”

“I’d like to see you try, pincushion.”

Jean was big. Big in height, big in the shoulders, hell, even big in personality. Much bigger than Jehan, at any rate. The only thing not big about him was his gut—like Jehan and everyone else in the family, food didn’t seem to stick to him—but even then, he at least looked healthy and strong enough to carry those big shoulders, that big personality. So Jehan should not have been surprised to see that his baby brother (his big baby brother) was almost painfully proportional. Big height, big shoulders—a big cock was hardly out of the question. After all, everything was big about him.

Jehan had always known his brother was big in more ways than one. They’d undressed in front of each other before. Except they had been kids, then, and things had changed a lot. Jean grew even more as a teenager and by then Jehan, off at college, was barely around. Now, the most skin he saw from his brother was that one time Jean fell in an ants’ nest and they had to strip him down and hose him off. Out of modesty, Jehan had made sure not to look. But now, in the early morning light, as they lay on Jean’s bed after what Jehan would have written off as a drunken mistake had he actually drank anything, Jehan could see his brother, naked and tangled up beside him. Jehan could see everything about his brother, and his brother was big as ever. It was a matter of proportion, and, luckily enough, they’d both been blessed with relatively proportional bodies. 

The only problem was that, unlike Jean, Jehan wasn’t big at all. 

“How the hell did that even…fit?” he mumbled as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. Jean stirred beside him but didn’t wake. Even asleep he was big, taking up most of the bed.  Jehan looked him over and shuddered. The piercings didn’t help—if anything, they made him look even bigger. Something that big shouldn’t have fit inside him. He wasn’t a kid, he wasn’t that used to it anymore. A wave of panic hit him and he was cold with fear. “Shit.” Jumping out of bed, he sprinted down the hall to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. It didn’t latch all the way but he didn’t care.

“Shit, shit, shit…” Grabbing the little hand mirror, he angled it between his legs and spread himself with the other hand, looking for blood or tears or something horribly wrong with himself. Instead, all he saw was a trail of sticky white fluid that smeared between his cheeks. He was fine. There was nothing wrong.

“Enjoyin’ the view?” Jean stood in the doorway, rubbing the side of his head. “Y’know, for someone so small, you can hit like a friggin’ champ.”

Jehan dropped the little mirror and stood up, his face red. “I-I…uhm…right, sorry ‘bout that.”

“No prob.” He cocked his head. “So…what’re you doing?”

“I…I was…you…” Mouthing dumbly was not a helpful enough answer for Jean, so, sighing, Jehan turned away from him and took a deep breath. “You’re really, really…really big.” He blinked, trying to figure out if that really did just sound as stupid as he thought.

Apparently it did sound that stupid as the bathroom was suddenly filled with Jean’s laughter. “Oh, Jesus, Jeje, you’re not talking about my—”

“I am.” He turned around and had to keep from looking anywhere but his brother’s eyes. “You’re fucking huge compared to me.”

Jean stopped laughing. “Is this a pride thing?” he asked, concerned. 

“No, it’s not a God damn pride thing,” he snapped because, if he was going to be honest with himself, in some ways it was. For the most part, though, this was far from a petty pride issue. “It’s a logic thing! How the fuck did someone so, so…so big like you fit into someone like me? I should be bleeding, I should be in pain, something…”

There was silence. Suddenly Jean was laughing again. “Oh my God, Jehan…” He had to hold onto the doorpost to stay up. “Oh Jesus…”

Jehan frowned. “How the hell is that supposed to be funny, you ass?”

“No, no, it’s not…it’s just…” He took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes, still grinning. “I’ve seen men take vibrators three times as big as me in them, no problem. I just forget you haven’t…never mind.” He sighed. “It’s all about preparation. I made sure you were slick and spread enough to handle it and you did. That’s all. Nothing more than some lube, these,” he wriggled his fingers with a cheeky grin, “and decent preparation.”

Jehan was still frowning. “Well, forgive me for being so foolish,” he said, crossing his arms. “Unlike you, I’m not very accustomed to that sorta luxury.” With that, he stormed out of the bathroom and down the hall to Jean’s room to gather his pants.

“Jehan, wait! What’s wrong?”

He looked back. “I don’t know, Jean, you tell me.”

“How can I? You’re the one who stormed off!” Jean paused. “Look, if you just talk to me—”

Scowling, Jehan turned on his heel, calling back to his brother. “I did. You laughed.”

“That’s what this is about?” Jean followed him into the room, grabbing him by the arm. “Jesus Christ, Jehan, I’m sorry, alright? I’m not used to people not…well, not knowing how this…er, works…”

“I’m aware of how men have sex, Jean.”

He flinched. “Right, yeah…but I mean, how this normally goes…uhm, y’know…good preparation and all…” He sighed and let his brother go. “Look, if you’re regretting last night, I get it. You don’t have to pick a fight, Jeje, just tell me and I won’t let it happen again.”

“No.” It was an order, less harsh than everything else he had said that morning. “I don’t regret it,” Jehan said, looking up at his brother. “Shit, I kinda want to do it again, it’s just…” He glanced down only for a moment. “This morning, when I saw you, and then myself, I freaked out. I wanted to do it again, but you’re so…so…Shit, how the hell did that not tear? And I know, I know, preparation, whatever, okay, that doesn’t change how fucking huge you are, Jean.”

“You managed just fine last night.”

Jehan shifted from foot to foot. “Yeah...but I—”

“But nothing.” Jean kissed him lightly. “You took it just fine and I was just as big last night as I am now.” He grinned, patting Jehan lightly on the cheek which Jehan shook off with a huff. “You just never saw it so close before this morning, huh?”

“Pretty sure it’s considered a social faux pas to stare at your siblings’ dicks.”

“Well what does that make last night?”

Jehan rolled his eyes, not bothering to suppress his smile. “Wonderful, that’s what,” he smirked.

Jean grinned back. “So what’s the difference between last night and this morning, besides a bit of sunlight?”

“Your cock looks a lot bigger with a bit of sunlight.”

“Mm, well, we’ll just have to get you used to that, then,” he said and then scooped Jehan up into his arms.

“Jean, what—”

He carried him over to the bed and set him down before sitting beside him. “Shh, calm down. I’m just putting you back into bed. You’re cranky in the morning.”

“You’re such a charmer.”

Jean rolled his eyes before leaning down to kiss him, biting his lip lightly, and Jehan didn’t push him away; instead, he pulled him closer, feeling his much larger body press atop his, almost suffocating him. He pulled away, finally, once his chest hurt. 

“Fuck…”

“What was that about me being a charmer, Jeje?”

“Shut up.” He pulled him in for another kiss, letting his hands run along his shoulders, his back, arms just barely long enough to reach and cup his ass. He rolled his hips gently, feeling his cock twitch, warm and heavy against his little brother’s hip, and that’s when he felt it. Jean’s cock, warm and just slightly hard, pressed against his thigh. He could feel a one of the many piercings that he knew ran along the underside of the flushed organ, heavy and metal and glinting, and it made him shudder to think about them, inside him, pressing against his insides as Jean fucked him, hard and heavy, with his huge cock—

“Oh God…”

Jean pulled away, pressing a wet kiss to the side of his mouth. “Do you want more?” He sat up on his knees, letting Jehan lie back against the sheets. Slowly, he ran a hand along his own chest, down his stomach, fingers pressing against the surface piercings that took the place of what had once been a fine trail of hair before going lower, wrapping around his pinkened cock, hard enough in his hand. He stroked himself once, twice, gripping just below the head. “You want this in you?”

Looking him over, Jehan felt his eyes go wide. “Shit…” His heart dropped into his stomach. If his brother had looked huge this morning, he wasn’t sure what to call him now that he was hard and heavy and all of his piercings were on display, all silver and bright, pulling his skin taut. It scared him to think about that fitting inside of him, no matter what happened last night, yet his cock didn’t seem to mind at all. He sat up some, leaning on his elbows. “I-I want it…”

“Do you want it in you?” Jean repeated, licking his lips. “Or…do you want to just touch it? Feel it against your fingers, test how big it is?” Part of him reasoned it would probably help Jehan get over his new anxieties, and part of him reasoned that watching his slender fingers fit around him would be hot as hell. “Hmm?”

Jehan sat up on his knees, leaning up to press a small kiss to his brother’s lips as his hand wandered down his body. His teeth grazed over the little ring in his lower lip just as fingers touched his cock, grazing against the piercings underneath. “How many are there?” he asked with another kiss.

“As many as can fit.”

A grin. “So a shitton, then, huh?” Wrapping his fingers around the entire length, Jehan slowly began to stroke him, base to tip, his movements leisurely and languid until Jean whimpered against him, his hips rocking lightly. 

“Jehan, please…”

He responded with another kiss. He let his hand drop away, replaced instead by his own body, his cock rubbing against his brother’s. “Fuck, you’re so big,” he whispered against the other’s lip as he looked down at their bodies moving in time, flushed cocks rubbing and pressing against each other. He moaned when he felt himself rub against the metallic beads that decorated his brother like a ladder, grabbing onto Jean for support. “So fuckin’ huge…Christ, you’d split me in two…”

“N-no I wouldn’t, Jeje.”

“You could.”

“Mm.” Jean kissed him. “But you know I wouldn’t.”

He paused, his hips stilling. “I-I know…” he mumbled, his grip tightening.

“Then if you know, let me.”

“I-I…” He looked down. God, he was so huge. How could he have missed that last night?

“And if you don’t know, let me prove it to you?” Another kiss. “Just like last night…”

Biting his lip, Jehan looked back at up Jean, at his sheepish smile, at his half-lidded eyes, and slowly, very slowly, he nodded his head. “Okay,” he said, hugging tight to him. “Okay, just like last night. You promise?”

“I promise.”

They kissed and, just like last night, Jean gently laid him back down on the sheets, spreading his legs open. Just like last night, he slicked him well and stretched him wide, fingers making sure he could handle it. Just like last night, he pressed in slowly, asking if it was alright, if Jehan wanted him to move faster, and, just like last night, they both came, hot and hard and wet against each other, and dozed off in each other’s arms.

The last two times they’d slept together were mistakes. Not because they were both guys or because they were brothers or even because Jehan was in seminary. Granted, they were all very pertinent reasons but, in the moment at least, all of those issues dropped with their clothing at the foot of the bed. Rather, the last two times they’d slept together were mistakes because both the darkness of night and the dim morning light still managed to hide a lot of the finer, dirtier details and Jehan was always on his back and Jean never saw. The last two times they’d slept together made Jehan think he could be normal—another damn mistake.

Over breakfast that morning, Jean suggested with a cheeky little grin that they try doggy-style, a suggestion which, besides making Jehan spit out his coffee also made his heart sink down to his belly. That would mean him on his hands and knees with Jean behind him, Jean seeing him. As much as he loved that Jean wasn’t walking on eggshells around him now—and why should he, they had fucked each other twice in two days—he couldn’t just magically undo years of shame and embarrassment and self-loathing at his baby brother’s word. 

Wiping his mouth, Jehan set his coffee cup down and looked to his brother. “Er…I don’t think that’s such a great idea, Jean…”

“Why not?” He smiled. “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

Because you’ll fucking see the scars and then it’s back to the ‘oh my poor brother’ treatment as usual! He had to bite his tongue. “Because,” he replied with a small shrug, trying to come up with a more solid reply but it was too late: he had said enough.

Jean’s eyes widened and his hands became the most interesting thing in the world. His eyes were downcast and his shoulders slumped in painfully obvious guilt. “Sorry, Jeje, I shouldn’t have pressed it. I know you have your, uhm, reasons and stuff, yeah, that was stupid. Forget I said anything.”

“No! No, that’s not it!” It was and he knew it (and somewhere deep down, Jean knew it too), but that didn’t stop the lie jumping out from his throat. He wasn’t about to lose the normalcy Jean had given him—even if it was normalcy born out of the most abnormal sin on earth, he couldn’t lose this, couldn’t lose Jean. “It’s not that, it’s just… I’ve never done it that way before.”

Jean looked at him, his brow furrowed. “But how…I mean, with your sc—”

“He never used knives when we had…when we were together like that. Always before. Or after.” The key to lying was not the lie itself but the bullshit you fed someone to keep the lie looking true. After Tiefer, he’d had to master that art. “He wanted to see my face every time. I’ve never been on my hands and knees except for a beatin’.” More bullshit—Tiefer had hardly ever wanted to see his face when he raped him and was always glad to bring a knife between the sheets—but Jean ate it up. 

“So you’ve never done it that way, then.”

Jehan shook his head. “That’s why not. You know how I am with trying new things and all.”

“Yeah, you ain’t exactly adventurous,” Jean teased, a bit of his earlier grin coming back.

“Gee, what a flatterer you turned out to be.”

“But that’s what I’m here for! Er, well, not to flatter you, but to make you get out your goddamn comfort zone. C’mon, you trusted me enough to let me have sex with you twice already, even when you were scared it wouldn’t fit. Look how that worked out!” He smiled again, though there was a bit of hesitation in his voice. “I promise, the second something doesn’t feel right, you tell me and I’m out. I’ll stop. Promise. Just trust me again, please?”

Jehan sat there, silent. He felt like he’d just been thrown into the wall, all breath knocked out of him. He couldn’t say no. That meant he didn’t trust his own brother. He’d either hurt Jean’s feelings or have to tell the truth and have Jean treat him differently again. But if he said yes, that meant letting Jean see everything, meant giving Jean an obvious reason to go back to pitying him, meant no longer being normal.  He couldn’t tell the truth, couldn’t show him the truth, but the lie…he would not have his brother think he didn’t trust him. That was a lie he couldn’t keep up—Jehan trusted him more than anyone. 

“Alright, Jean, alright. I trust you.”

—

It was mid-afternoon when they found themselves making out on Jean’s bed, the door shut behind them. Jehan had wanted to wait till that evening when the lights would be dim, but Jean had promised some friends he’d go out with them that night. “Besides,” he said through hurried kisses when Jehan has asked him about it, “I wanna be able to see you…and how much you’ll enjoy this…”

Jehan knew he meant that with all the kindness and sincerity that lust could muster but it made his stomach turn at the thought.

“Jean…”

“Mm?” He was in the middle of tugging off his big brother’s shirt. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just…Never mind.”

Jean stopped pulling at his shirt. “You can tell me. Jehan, if something’s upsetting you, tell me. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“You’re not hurting me.”

“Then what is it?”

Jehan’s eyes flickered to his baby brother’s hands, still fisted in the material, but otherwise said nothing.

“Jeje, there’s nothing about your body I haven’t seen.”

“You haven’t seen the scars,” he whispered.

He grinned but it didn’t meet his eyes. “I’ve seen you naked a buncha times including the other night. Pretty sure I’ve seen ‘em once or twice in my lifetime.”

“But you haven’t seen them.”

He kissed him softly on the corner of the mouth before slowly moving to press his lips fully against his brother’s, letting his tongue flick against his lower lip. “Then show me,” he said against his lips, breath warm, and Jehan replied with a desperate kiss, arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him flush against his own body so that they were close, so close, and so together for at least a moment. 

But eventually he had to pull away. Pushing Jean’s hands from his shirt, he sighed and replaced his hands with his own. “You’re gonna regret this,” he said before pulling the shirt over his head and turning around so that Jean could see.

“There’s more…you can’t see them yet but they’re there.”

“God…”

Jehan grimaced. “I know.” He shut his eyes, breathing slowly. “They’re disgusting.”  Saying that would just make the little pity party that Jean would inevitably throw him even worse, but it was true. Every bit of ruined flesh was more and more horrific than the last. The crucifix brand was still so nasty that even he couldn’t stand to look for long. “If you don’t—”He swallowed heavily. “If you don’t wanna go through with this anymore, I don’t blame you.”

Jean kissed him on the back of the neck. “Why would I pass up this chance to be with you, huh?” He breathed before kissing him again, lower now, along his spine. Jehan shuddered, his brother’s lip piercing cool against his skin, the feeling of metal once again along his back too familiar a memory. He exhaled slowly, fear slowly creeping inside his mind. He had to ignore it. For Jean.

“If that’s what you want, Jean...”

—

He couldn’t ignore it.

He was on his hands and knees. Jean was behind him, the head of his cock pressing against him, slowly pushing in, and though it didn’t hurt, he still felt sick. Jean had kissed him no less than five times, all along his back, and Jehan could feel the metal of his piercing against his flesh, pressing just so against him. He knew it was stupid—it was just a bit of metal and hell, didn’t he get all hot and bothered before at the thought of some of his brother’s piercings, what should this matter—but every time sent a shiver of fear throughout his entire body. 

And now, as Jean slowly pressed inside, inch by inch, while leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses along his scarred back, Jehan had to bite the inside of his cheek. He knew his brother was just trying to show him how much the scars didn’t matter to him, didn’t mean a thing; however, every kiss was as good as a blade, every flick of his tongue with that bit of warm metal another slice against his skin. It hurt, the fear eating him from the inside out, but he kept quiet. He didn’t want Jean thinking he was broken again. He already looked the part. Jean said he would stop if he asked but stopping meant admitting he was everything he appeared to be.

“Jehan? You alright?” He was all the way inside and Jehan could fully feel how big he really was. “Is it okay to keep going?”

Oh God he knows. “Mhm…Yeah.” Maybe once he started, it would take his mind off of all the little things. “Yeah, it’s…it’s fine, please.”

Jean nodded and kissed him again—Jehan winced—before he pulled out almost all the way, the head of his cock still just barely inside, and then thrust back in. The shock of it almost made Jehan fall on his face but he kept upright. The second and third kiss, all timed with his thrusts, made him feel weak again. 

Yet he kept silent—and Jean kept kissing him every time he moved his hips. And when he brought one hand along his brother’s stomach and down between his legs to touch him as he moved, he kissed him then too, over and over again, and Jehan couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it, not without losing everything. So he kneeled there, bent over, his brother deep inside and holding him close, whispering encouraging words against his back and kissing every inch of his flesh, even the nasty brand on his left shoulder. Every kiss cut him deeper, tore another silent sob from him. His eyes stung wet with tears and his throat burned with pent up cries that he had to keep down until finally, as he spilled into his brother’s hand and collapsed on the bed, he was able to voice a small whimper, his body shaking. 

Jean came not long after and with his release came a hundred more kisses to his beaten back, a hundred more unsaid whimpers and sobs that Jehan kept down and muffled into the sheets.

“Jehan?”

He shouldn’t have looked up. He should have just kept his head down until he could wipe at his face. But he didn’t. He was stupid and looked up, right up into his brother’s face, red eyes and all, and he knew he shouldn’t. 

“Oh God…Jehan, what’s wrong?” His blue eyes were wide with panic. “Jesus, I told you to tell me if something upset you!”

Jehan winced. “Please don’t yell,” he begged, burying his head back into the sheets.  He’d messed up. He was stupid. He was stupid for ever thinking he could be normal and now Jean was angry with him.

“What—no, no I’m not yelling, I’m sorry. I’m just upset that I hurt you. No, God, Jehan, I’m sorry! I’m sorry.” He trailed kisses along his shoulders, his back, each one a hundredfold worse than his raised voice ever was.  

Jehan couldn’t stomach his apologies anymore. He snapped his head up and turned away onto his side, pushing his brother away. “Get out.”

“Jehan…?”

“I said get out! Leave me alone!” 

“What did I do? I just want to apologize—”

“No, stop apologizing and just get out!” It was Jean’s room and he didn’t care. He didn’t want to be around Jean. He didn’t want another apology. He just wanted to be alone. “Get out!”

Confused, Jean pulled away and slowly slid off the bed. “A-alright, Jehan…I’ll just go take a shower. Unless you want to first, that is.” 

He didn’t miss the way his baby brother eyed him as if he were made of glass, ready to shatter. “No. Just go.”

“Okay. Okay, Jehan. I’m still sorry—”

“Get out!” His voice cracked , another sob overcoming him, and he had to bury his face in his arms to keep Jean from seeing. Still, he could hear his brother leave him alone, just as he’d asked, and  Jehan didn’t need to look at Jean to know that he’d ruined it, ruined everything he’d had with his brother, ruined all that normalcy he’d managed to build in the past few days because he couldn’t fix himself for one afternoon.

The last two times they’d slept together were mistakes; this time was a disaster.

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Mermaid AU

08/2012

mermaid AU | mature | tiefer/jehan, tiefer siblings

“I want him.”

His sister just rolled her eyes and she picked at some of the dead scales along her hip. They were lying next to each other on the floorboards of the sunken ship that she had taken up as a nest. Her brother had been eyeing some kid for months now and seemed to think she cared by the way he kept talking about him around her. She, quite frankly, was ready to go find another sunken ship to hide out in.

“So?”

He looked up at her, red eyes narrowed. “So what?”

“So go take him. Did that other meatsack smash your brains in when he took your eye or what?”

Her brother huffed. “Yes, let me just waltz on up there, take the kid, have my fun, and lose another eye and maybe my life at that when he finds out what I am!”

“Maybe if you’d been a better student you wouldn’t be so poor at magic.”

“No amount of magic will cover these for long,” he said, pointing to his gills and flexing his webbed, pointed fingers. “Sorry we can’t all be sea witches like you.”

“Mm. Well then, if magic won’t do the trick,” she said, idly playing with her hair, letting it wrap about her fingers, “then find something that can.” Soon, her webbed hands were bandaged in gold.

—

Jehan’s father died when he was only ten years old, just in time for the birth of his baby brother, Jean. He had drowned and the body was never recovered. Most of the townsfolk figured a gator had eaten the remains, though nobody dared say so in front of the poor man’s widow. Kids in class, though, were glad to speculate on what might have happened—often in gruesome detail—whether he was in earshot or no. Tactless, and his mother wasn’t much better. He knew that, with the stress of his father’s death coupled with a new baby and the need to put bread on the table, he shouldn’t ask even more of her time, but he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t feel lonely or unloved.

He’d felt like that a lot, lately, in the days after his father’s death. The world moved on too quickly. He didn’t want to go to school where kids didn’t care that his entire world drowned along with his dad. He didn’t want to look after the stupid baby brat that stole his mother’s time and energy and life. He just wanted to be alone—no, he wanted to be with someone, anyone, who cared about him, who looked after him, who was all for him, him alone.

Seven days after his father died, they received a visitor at their door a little after suppertime.

—

He arrived in black. The Roman collar hid his gills and the bandages—burns from an abusive childhood—wrapped between his fingers hid the webbing.

“I’m sorry I could not be here for the service.” His red eye appeared brown in the light spilling out onto the porch. “Or for you. Apparently, being his brother isn’t enough of an excuse from Sunday Mass. Oh, forgive me, I haven’t introduced myself.” He kept his bandaged hands close. “I’m Emilein Tiefer, Nathan’s brother.”

“His brother?”

“Well, adopted brother, yes. I’m sorry we’ve never met before. The priesthood keeps me busy and, admittedly, Nate never liked to talk about me much. Though I hope he never kept you up worrying where he was when he came to visit me.”

“No, no, I’ve heard mention of you.”

Tiefer swallowed a smirk. Nathan used the brother excuse to sneak off and see him behind his wife and child’s backs.

“It’s just, well, I never expected you were adopted.”

“Mm. It’s unofficial and all but ever since I ran off from my angel of a sister,” he glanced at his bandaged hands with a small wince, “he took me in. Easier to say we’re brothers than to dig up the past, y’know? Anyway, I’m sorry to bother you and as such a surprise too. Nathan would tell me about you all the time and I just wanted to make sure you and the family were...okay.”

She frowned, sympathetic, before opening the front door wider. "Where’re my manners? Please, come in. We just had supper but I always make lagniappe. Come out of the heat.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Please, call me Agnes.”

He smiled, warm but close-lipped. “Thank you, Agnes.” Shedding his scales took magic but gaining the widow’s trust took only a quick tongue behind his sharkteeth.

—

Jehan took to him quickly, just like Nathan had many years ago when Tiefer first came to him, looking as a boy like him. Just Nathan had pretended they were brothers, Jehan pretended they were family: the parrain with burned hands and his orphan godchild. And Tiefer played the part over the years. Though he had to leave often—to his church, as he said, though it was really to water, to his sister who knew more witchcraft than he—he always brought the boy an extra present and made sure to always tell him just one more story before bed.

The better he played his part, the more Jehan seemed so amenable to being hugged longer than usual, caressed a little more lovingly than before, kissed on the cheek despite being seventeen now and thinking about college rather than bedtime stories and gifted trinkets. Still, he clung to Tiefer and Tiefer didn’t mind at all, though for a teenager he was incredibly oblivious to the way the priest looked at him or the longer-than-needed touches along his hip and down his backside. It was growing irritating. Magic didn’t grant love and often ruined it. He knew better than to try that, especially after Nathan. Yet he’d gotten the boy’s love on his own, everything was supposed to be falling into place, Jehan was supposed to love him, want him.

Sometimes the brat was too much like his father. Yet like his father, he was so naïve, so trusting, and so, almost painfully, caring.

“Hey, parrain?”

Tiefer looked up, startled to see Jehan in the doorway of their spare room. He had been packing to return to ‘his flock’ (as Agnes would say) and didn’t have much time left. Magic was exhausting enough but this had been a rather long stay and he was drained. He really needed his sister’s help, loathe as he was to ask for it. But, for Jehan, he had all the time in the world.

“Yeah, p’tit? What do you need?”

“What’s it like?”

Tiefer had to keep himself from sighing. “What’s what like?”

“Seminary school.”

Oh. “What, you wanna become a priest?”

Jehan nodded.

“Why you wanna do that?”

He looked away, shuffling his feet. “Y’know…no reason.”

“Well then why should I tell you about seminary if you don’t have a reason to be asking?”

“Maybe it’s cause I wanna be like you?”

Oh. This was good. “Seminary’s not that bad. It’s work, yeah, but so’s regular college. You’ll do fine. In fact, tell ya what: if you still feel this way come graduation, you can come live with me. I live near the grounds of a seminary and can put in a good word for you.”

“Really?”

Tiefer nodded. “I’ll help you out, Jehan, you won’t have to worry. How’s that sound? ”

Jehan was in his arms in an instant, and if it hurt his drained body to have the kid hugging him tight, he wasn’t going to show it.

“Alright, alright I get it. Now let me finish packing, baby.”

Jehan did as he was told, giving him a quick kiss before running out the room.

Tiefer grinned. He would owe his sister so much for the black magic he’d need to pull this off but god damn if it wouldn’t be worth it. He didn’t care what favors he had to perform for her. Besides, that would be a year away—he could take the boy to his bed hundreds of times before then, have his fill, and leave him before anyone knew what happened.

—

“Oh, that was good. You must need this big time, huh, baby brother?”

She was seated upon a mossy rock jutting from the shore. Her scales were gone, replaced by legs that were spread wide and rested against her brother’s shoulders. He was still partially submerged, no magic transforming him. His hands, unbandaged, rested on her thighs.

“I can’t keep doing this. He’s home most nights a week—even if I am close to you, to the water, I never know when he’s gonna come home from lessons.”

She shrugged, flipping her hair. “Take a vacation.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Awww, you in love again?”

He dug his nails into her, drawing blood and earning a yelp. “I was never ‘in love.’”

“Says the man who’s been tailing this kid when he could’ve gotten a quick lay anywhere else.” She stretched. “If you can’t learn magic well enough to sustain your sorry self on your own, then at least learn this from me: take all you want and let the water take ‘em when you’re through. No sense in getting all emotional over some guy.”

“I didn’t get emotional over some guy—”

“Please! You showed him what you are and even after he got scared and sliced your eye, you wanted to be with him forever and ever, till Death did he part!” She snorted. “That was pretty soon, too. Good job, not giving him a chance to tell everyone he was sleeping with merfolk.”

“We didn’t—I mean…”

Her eyes widened. “You mean you didn’t even sleep with him?”

He sunk lower in the water. “Not…totally…”

She laughed, hugging herself, her legs kicking against the rock. “You wasted all that time and you didn’t even take him? Baby brother, you really are stupid, aren’t you?”

“Just give me what I came to you for.”

Her laughter slowly subsided. “Right, right, your payment.” Clearing her throat, she reached around her neck for the little seashell pendant about her neck. She scooped it into the water and filled it up. With a wave of her hand, it morphed into the shape of a cross. “Wear this.” She reached down and put it around his neck. “You’ve needed me and the water because your magic is weak. It needs its home. This’ll be a bit of a substitute. When you bathe or step off from shore, make sure you wear it but let no one else be around—you’ll become what you are.”

“And I become human once I leave the water?”

“Tch, you can become whatever you want. Human, dog, whiny little brat—oh, wait.”

He frowned.

“Lighten up. At least with this, you’ll be able to stay on land as long as you need. It tricks your magic to think the water you’re in is the water of your home.”

“So is this how you can get away with wandering around completely human?”

She stepped off the rock and into the water, her lower body transforming, glinting scales taking the place of skin. She swam up to him and kissed him, full on the mouth, her once-again sharp teeth clashing against his. “Please, baby brother,” she said once she pulled away. “I can do anything.”

—

Tiefer made sure only to bathe and to change his bandages when Jehan was in classes, no matter how empty his magic left him. He wasn’t about to take his chances considering how far they’d come: eight years of playing family followed by three more playing house under a roof bought in leprechaun’s gold. Eleven years so far. He wrapped his bandage a little too tightly, the constriction sending a small throbbing pain through his left hand—a welcome distraction to the anger-induced headache slowly digging into his temple. Eleven long years of hugs and kisses and gifts and long nights staying up to help the little lost boy figure out his life and still Jehan never noticed the way he looked at him or snaked his hands around his waist or pulled him into his lap. He’d forgiven the boy’s cluelessness before—he had been seventeen, still young, especially to an ageless creature like Tiefer—but he was about to turn twenty-one and was surrounded by young men—seminarians, yes, but their blood ran warm and spilled red like every other adolescent male—and was still so disgustingly oblivious that it made Tiefer sick.

Some nights, he was tempted to use magic, to make Jehan get on his knees, to make him enjoy it, to make him a simple plaything as he had first imagined. It would be so easy, and he wouldn’t be using the magic to grant him love, just desire, so he had no fear. Yet already he was so drained with keeping his human mask together that to use even more would shatter the mask to pieces. Luckily, even humans had some magic of their own at the bottom of old stinking bottles.

He flexed his fingers to test the bandages and, satisfied, left the bathroom in search of the whiskey and rum he’d bought earlier that morning. Tomorrow was Jehan’s twenty-first birthday and tonight they were going to celebrate his finally becoming a man.

—

They both were sprawled on the couch and Jehan laid half on top of Tiefer, his head resting in the crook of his neck. Tiefer had one hand bandaged wrapped around the young man’s waist, keeping him from sliding and falling off the couch like a heap of bones and dead weight, while the other held a bottle of whiskey that he made sure to keep out of Jehan’s hands because Jehan was past drunk—Jehan was wasted.

“C’mon, parrain, gimme some.”

“Told you not to call me that. You’re a grown man, you can use my name.”

“Fine then, Emilein, gimme a drink.”

Tiefer took a swig of the near-empty bottle and yanked it away before Jehan could grab it. “Ah-ah, p’tit. You might be a grown man but your tiny little body ain’t gonna handle much more of this.” He, of course, had had much more than Jehan or any other man could drink, and it was beginning to affect him. As much as some creatures—especially the fair folk—liked to pretend they were above all things human, none of them were completely immune to everything the humans had to offer. That definitely included alcohol.

“I ain’t tiny,” Jehan pouted, crossing his arms as best he could. “At least not where it matters.”

Tiefer laughed. “Really, now?” He downed the rest of the whiskey and set the bottle down before pulling Jehan closer, both hands circling his waist. “Can’t take a statement like that on faith, p’tit, ya gotta prove it.”

Jehan shifted uncomfortably in his lap but he laughed his statement off. “Very funny.”

“What if I’m not joking?”

He twisted around to look at him over his shoulder. “What?”

“Undo your jeans.”

He didn’t move an inch. His body was stiff, no longer dead weight but frozen in place.

“Par—”

“What did I jus’ say?”

“Emilein, I don’t wanna, I—”

“Either you do it or I will.” He was growing impatient and the alcohol wasn’t helping.

Slowly, Jehan did as he was told. His fingers fumbled around the button and he almost busted his zipper, but he managed. “There, happy?” he said once he pushed his pants and underwear down enough. “Man, it was just a joke.”

Tiefer kissed the top of his head. “Very.” One bandaged hand snaked down between his legs.

“Hey, wait—what the hell’re you doin’?”

“Shut up, p’tit.”

His hand was down his undone pants.

“This isn’t funny!”

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

Jehan clumsily pushed him away.

“Stop it!” He managed to scramble out of Tiefer’s lap but wound up sprawled on the floor. Tiefer looked over the edge of the couch to see Jehan in a heap, his hands feebly covering himself. “Stop,” he repeated. “Don’t touch me, please, parrain—”

“Was that an order, Jehan?” Getting up from the couch, Tiefer leaned down, grabbed Jehan by his collar, and lifted him up. “Hmm?”

“N-no, sir…”

“Because it sounded like an order from an arrogant, selfish, spoiled little shit who doesn’t appreciate what other people do for him,” he snapped. Eleven long years of crippling, exhaustive magic and tiring lies, eleven years that he was not about to throw away just because alcohol couldn’t loosen the kid up. If love didn’t work and drink didn’t help then he had to look elsewhere. “After everything I have done for you—helped you into seminary, gave you a place to live and food to eat and a shoulder to cry on, stayed by your side after your father’s death even when no one else would—and you have the gall to give me an order?”

“I’m not, I wasn’t—”

“You know, I think it’s time you carried your own weight around here. Except you have no job, no money, no way to get either since you’re in seminary classes, and now when I tell you to do something, you tell me no and try give me an order. Sounds pretty selfish to me, don’t you think?”

Jehan merely stared up at him, his eyes unfocused and bloodshot. He mouthed half words, trying to come up with a reply against the other. He sunk lower in his seat under his gaze. Tiefer’s eyes looked red.

“So now when I tell you to do something, are you going to do it?”

“Y-yes…”

“Yes what?”

“Yes sir, E-emilein.”

“And are you going to argue with me?”

“No sir.”

“Good boy.” He held out his hand to help Jehan up off the couch.

He took it and, stumbling, managed to stand. Immediately, his hands went to his pants, trying to close them up, but Tiefer grabbed his wrists. “That’s not necessary. C’mon.” He led Jehan to his bedroom, smiling all the way, and if Jehan were any bit sober he might have noticed how pointed his teeth were.

Love and alcohol failed, but guilt sure worked on the good little Catholic boy.

—

They fell into a routine after that night. Admittedly, it was quite similar to the usual: when Jehan came home from classes, he did what homework and reading he needed to do while Tiefer cooked dinner; afterwards, Jehan finished whatever studying he was supposed to do or, if he was finished his work, he did as he pleased. The only difference was instead of his own bedroom, Jehan went to Tiefer’s bedroom more nights than not. That and Jehan began to favor a shot or two of whiskey before bed.

The new routine was not without its difficulties. Jehan would fight him sometimes when he’d had too much to drink or built up enough courage and enough hatred from night after night of being less than a plaything. Tiefer found a quick deterrent for that behavior, however; when guilt was not enough, he turned to the knife and cut gory patterns along his back until he learned his lesson. Luckily, Jehan was a fast learner. Just as luckily, Tiefer didn’t need to make excuses for his actions, and even after the first few months of fighting died down, Tiefer still brought the knife to bed, staining his bandages a dark, deep red with every cut.

Jehan grew quiet over those months. He drank more and fought less. He even stopped protesting when Tiefer took his Saturdays—the one day he was guaranteed his own time—and replaced them with painful memories made in a locked bedroom. He resigned himself, it appeared, to whatever the monster in priest’s clothing asked of him, his eyes always on the sharp knife that sliced him open.

The routine was interrupted seven months in on a warm Saturday afternoon.

—

Tiefer stood beside the old, claw-foot bathtub in nothing but his cassock, buttoned only at the collar to hide what was underneath. He was unwrapping the blood-stained bandages on his hands while the tub slowly filled. Tiefer discarded the bandages in the trashbin before undoing the top buttons of his cassock and sliding the white collar out. He didn’t fear his gills or hands being seen since the door was shut and beyond it was the bedroom where Jehan was asleep in equally stained sheets.

Placing the collar on the edge of the sink, he glanced over to the tub and sighed, silently praying for it to fill faster. He was tired, so damn tired, and he could feel his magic like worms under his skin, writhing and itching. It exhausted him even more than the hours he had just spent with Jehan, cutting him and taking him and tainting every single inch of him. “Just a bit longer,” he muttered, flexing his clawed fingers, the webbing between them shining semi-transparent in the light.

The water was loud. He never heard the door open.

“What the fuck?”

Jehan stood in the doorway in bloodied boxers, his right hand balled into a fist.

Immediately, Tiefer’s hands went to the slits on his neck. “S-sleep well, p’tit?”

“What the fuck are you?”

“Jehan, you’ve drank too much and you’re obviously exhausted. Go back to sleep.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Go, Jehan.” If he could get him to sleep he could convince him later it was just a dream. Maybe use some magic. He just needed him to go back to sleep. “Get out of here and go back to sleep.”

“No, not until you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you. Your hands, your throat, that’s not normal.”

He bared his pointed teeth. “Jehan, I’m warning you—”

“You’re not human, are you?” His eyes were wide. “You’re a monster.”

“Listen to me, p’tit—”

“Don’t call me that!” He raised his fist a little and Tiefer could see he was holding something. “Don’t stand there and call me that. What are you? Where’s my real parrain?”

Tiefer didn’t reply.

“He wouldn’t have done the shit you did, he’d never touch me like that, he…” Jehan paused, as if choking on his realization. “He never existed, did he?” His hands were shaking and a glint of silver shone between his thumb and forefinger.

“Jehan, please, just go lie down.” Tiefer suddenly couldn’t remember whether he’d left his pocketknife in the bedroom or brought it with him.

“Did he?”

He paused. His hands slid down his neck and the sides of his cassock, revealing the gill-slits. “No. He didn’t. “He splayed his fingers, clawed and webbed. He was so tired. “I’m all you’ve ever had.”

“You lied to me. This whole time, you lied.” His voice broke some. “What else is a lie, huh? You’re not my father’s brother—I bet you didn’t even know my father! And-and when you helped us after he died, when you took care of me ‘cause mom was busy with Jean, when you said you loved me,” —there were tears in his eyes and down his cheeks— “was that all a fucking lie too, you monster?”

Any grief, any remorse he might have felt was quickly replaced with something white and hot that burned his insides and made him want to vomit. His body ached, the crucifix made of seashell hung heavy about his neck, irritating his flesh and making his bones twist and burn beneath the tired muscles, and his head throbbed with every shout from this little brat to whom he’d given so much more than he should have, more than anyone would have!

“Eleven years,” he snarled, stepping towards the boy, one hand on the rim of the tub to keep himself upright. “I gave you eleven years and no matter how human I am or not, those years were real, those years were long, those years took more than I had ever planned. Hell, I didn’t even give your father as much as I’ve given you.

“And yes, I did know your father so you can just shut your smart little mouth up. I knew him, I loved him, I did every single fucking thing for him, just like I did for you. I gave him a playmate. I gave him a friend. I gave him someone to be with when no one else would. And all he ever gave me was half-hearted excuses once he was grown that he had a wife and son at home. Y’know, I learned something from him, p’tit. I learned to take what I want, what I deserve from ungrateful, selfish little boys like your father and you. He got what he deserved; I made damn sure of that.”

Jehan narrowed his eyes. “You killed him?”

“He didn’t give me what he owed, what I deserved, and neither did you!” They were practically the same person, Nathan and Jehan, and neither ever thought to pay the devil his due. “His entire life I gave myself to him. When he needed me, I was there. When he wanted me, I was there. I was his, all his, and he just spat in my face and got himself a nice normal girl.”

Jehan stepped closer. He could touch him if he wanted. Hit him, even. “You hurt my mom, you destroyed our family, you ruined my life, you killed him because you were jealous?” The glint of silver between his fingers became the butt of the pocketknife Tiefer had indeed left on the bedside table.

“Nothing as simple as that.” Tiefer grinned, nasty and sharp-toothed. “There’s prices to pay, Jehan. That’s how the world works. I took what I deserved from him and now I’m taking what I deserve from you. It’s only fair.”

“You’re a monster!” Jehan flipped the knife open carelessly like he had seen Tiefer do so many times. It glinted in the light, a security against the monster before him. Tiefer sneered. The boy was so close and any real monster would have snatched him up and bashed his head in the wall, but the brat couldn’t see that. He didn’t want to see that. “I hate you!”

“Hn. Such a human emotion.” Tiefer laughed, leaning against the edge of the tub. It was almost to the rim. “Oh don’t worry, p’tit, I’ll let you live.” His webbed fingers gripped the porcelain, knuckles white. He didn’t like seeing his knife brandished before him. “I’m getting what I deserve from you, no need to dirty my hands again. I won’t drown you like your worthless father.” The kid wouldn’t use it, he was certain. He was a cowardly little brat, always needing someone to be there for him. He couldn’t use it, not against him, not against the man he owed. All it would take was a little reminder, a bit of force. “Now do as you’re told, Jehan, and get out of here,” he ordered, his eyes burning red, “before your bitch mother has another family member to bury!”

Tiefer was certain that the sharp, sudden pain searing through his body was just the magic eating away at him, forcing the fatigue into something almost tangible; yet with the pain came warmth. Jehan was there, Jehan was close, closer than he had been, and Jehan’s hands were red, deep red, when they hadn’t been before. He looked down to see his bare stomach painted red and a sliver of silver sticking out from the mess—his knife. His knife that Jehan had held. His knife that Jehan had used.

A clock would say it lasted but a few seconds: he slid down the over-filled tub, tipping it some and sloshing water against the floor, and crumpled to the floor, eyes on Jehan all the while. To the two men standing there all covered in blood, however, it was longer than seconds or minutes—it was hours, days, all eleven long years they had ever spent together, ever known each other. And as those seconds, those years, slipped by, both men felt their anger slipping away as well, bleeding out to be replaced with something cold.

Jehan looked down at the knife, his lips forming a silent mantra of no’s that couldn’t undo his mistake, though neither could truly be sure if it was a mistake or not. Maybe years from now, eleven years from now, when all was said and done and all this was just a bad memory, he could call it a mistake. Now he was only covered in blood that matched the eyes of the man before him, the man who was now looking up at him, looking through him.

Lying there on the floor and looking up at the man he’d made, the boy he’d ruined, Tiefer didn’t see Jehan. He saw Nathan, saw the years he put into the man he’d murdered, saw everything he had given him, saw the love that his sister mocked, that he hid, that he drowned along with Nathan that night eleven years ago, and the sight hurt more than the knife to his gut or the magic burning through him. Even though he was the one bleeding out on the bathroom floor, all he could feel as he looked up at Jehan all covered in blood was that he had killed Nathan again. His rage was with his blood, mixing with the overflowing water upon the bathroom floor, and all that was left was sadness as deep as the sea from which he’d dragged himself.

“Parrain…”

He hadn’t heard that name in months. It didn’t belong to him, not anymore.

“P’tit, I—” He wanted to say sorry. He almost expected Jehan to come to him, wrap his arms around him, forgive him and help him get better, but Jehan was backing away in horror, his bloodied hands trembling, his eyes wide and staring at Tiefer. He looked down to see scales slowly begin to form down his legs. The water from the tub continued to leak out onto the floor, enough to trigger his magic but not enough to make it an easy, seamless transition. He felt every scale rip up from his flesh, yet it didn’t hurt—nothing could hurt more than the way Jehan was looking at him, his young face twisted in shock, and suddenly he was gone, fleeing the bathroom and fleeing the house and fleeing Tiefer.

He sagged against the tub, watching the water steadily flow out and onto the floor, never enough to fully become what he was, just enough for more scales to rip right through his skin; while he maybe had just enough strength to pull himself up to get into the tub and completely immerse himself and relieve at least some of his pain, he saw no reason. He was dying. Jehan was gone. He was alone. At least here on the wet floor in a pool of his own blood and weighted down beneath his own magic, he had hope that the pain would drown him. He shut his eyes, a wordless apology on his lips that now spat blood. Maybe someone would forgive him.

“You really are stupid, aren’t you, baby brother?”

His eyes shot open to his sister kneeling before him, her knees ruddy from the bloody floor. Gingerly, she pulled him onto her lap, pushing his bangs from his eyes and cradling his face in her hands.

“Don’t look so confused, I told you before: I can do anything. You, however, best hope you can pull through.” She didn’t sound quite so hopeful, especially not as he spat up blood all over her thighs.

“I wonder if I’ll see him again.” His voice was ragged.

“Who, that kid?”

He shook his head, resulting in another bloody cough. “No, no…him.”

His sister was silent for a long time. Her hands trembled as she straightened his bangs and wiped the blood from his lips. “You know we have no souls,” she said. Her voice held none of the mockery he was accustomed to. “If we’re killed, that’s it. Besides, even if you did have a soul, I’d doubt you’d see him.”

“Yeah. Guess I’d go somewhere else, huh?” He laughed, the sound wet and painful to hear. “I’d probably be stuck with you forever.”

She slapped him gently on the cheek. “You’re already stuck with me.”

Tiefer smiled, closing his eyes. Save for the rise and fall of his chest, he looked like a corpse.

“I can undo all of this, you know.”

“I know.” He seemed to consider it for a moment, but then he shook his head. “But I’ve gotten exactly what I deserve.”

“And the pain?”

Tiefer was silent. She could take away the hot burn of the knife but that wouldn’t be enough to assuage the ache that gnawed at his heart. She could do many things, but not that. “All I ask is that you stay with me. Would you, please?”

“Baby brother, I would do anything.” She smiled though it didn’t reach her eyes. “You’ll owe me a lot for this, though.”

“I’ll pay you back tenfold.”

He never kept his promise.

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Not Again

09/15/2012

genderbent AU | mature | tiefer siblings

He finds her hiding in what used to be their parents’ room.

He had forbidden her from going in there, but she’d jimmied the door open with the tip of her pocket knife while he was off banging a mess of floozies he’d dragged home from the bar. She had taken to hiding in there whenever she wanted—needed—to escape him.

Like now, as he tears the house apart in search of someone to relieve his anxieties with, as he cracks open the door, as he spots her curled up on the bed where she was conceived, sobbing, unseeing with her long, nearly-white hair covering her face. He slides the door open, steps into the room, and she bolts up, scrambling across the sheets, but he’s bigger than her and faster than her and stronger than her when he grabs her too-tender wrists and pins her to the bed with one knee wedged between her legs, spreading her open, the thin fabric of her sundress riding up, her even thinner panties not doing much against the thick, heavy denim of his jeans, and she gasps.

“You’re not supposed to be in here, little sister.” His breath is hot against her cheek and she twists away just enough, just enough so he can nip along her jaw, her throat, and now she can’t even shake her head no or force out the apology that might just make it better. “You know that.”

“I do, but—”

She cries out, her cheek stinging. He hits her again.

“Antony—”

“Shut up.” A third strike and she listens, obedient, afraid, and he’s pleased enough because his hand is no longer raised. Instead his hand slinks along the top of her dress, pulling the fabric away, tugging it down and groping her, filling the palm with her breast, thumb gliding over a nipple, no bra to get in his way. “Little slut,” he growls and she shakes her head, mouthing no no no once he’s leaned back down to bite at her throat and feel her squirm, because she’s not a slut, she’s not, she’s only ever done things with one other person, that’s it, and it’s too hot to wear a bra and he’d just rip it off her anyway and they cost too much in the first place; but before she can open her mouth to tell him as much, he rocks against her, his knee rubbing between her legs, the denim pressing against her, rough rubbing her thinly covered body that was more than happy to react to the attention, and she moans, a shocked moan, an embarrassed, unplanned, unwanted moan, but a moan nonetheless.

Her brother hears her and smiles.

“You want this, Emmeline?” he asks, sitting back just enough to give himself room as he undid his jeans. “You want me to fuck you on our parents’ bed, ruin their memory jus’ like you ruined them?”

She tells him no—or at least she thinks he does—but he cannot, will not hear her over the clack of his belt or the shuffling of his jeans against the sheets as he exposes himself. She vomits in the back of her throat at the sight of her brother, hard and flushed and so gleefully ready to fuck her like a slave, love her less than the cheap women he finds at the ends of shady bars, but she has to swallow it down and it burns like a cigarette against the back of her neck.

He shoves her dress up and pulls her panties aside, looking at her, knowing her, when he sees the bit of dampness staining her underwear and she wants to die because now he has an excuse to push inside because she’s wet so she’s asking for it so she can handle it because she deserves it. And he does—he pushes in, deep deep deep inside her, going as far and as fast as possible in one thrust, filling her—and she does deserve it when she cries out, ruddy eyes shut tight, because now she has something to cry about.

And she cries. She cries in a twisted heap of limbs and tangled sheets and twisted skirts, her hair sticking to her face, falling into her open mouth, and sometimes her cries aren’t even words anymore, just sounds, guttural animalistic shouts and groans that all contain a plea for death or salvation or maybe both, but it’s nothing compared to the way he pants against the flushed skin of her collar, sneering curses and comments about his filthy little sister that just needs a real man to show her what it’s like, that forces him to do these things, that ruins everything she touches and makes people hate her like this.

The mantra continues until he comes inside of her, hot and wet and disgusting, and he makes sure to let the tip of his cock smear against her inner thigh, semen lingering against her skin, sticky and gross but she’s too tired to wipe it away. She simply lies there, breathing heavy, body still tense, still anxious, still expectant of something in return. Her brother never gives, only takes, so when he takes his leave, she doesn’t give him any hint of rage or sadness or hope or even defeat. She simply lies there, neutral, unfeeling, and if he wants to pretend she is broken, he can pretend, but she doesn’t let him see her cry. Not again.

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Present

10/29/2018

genderbend/trans!Jehan AU | mature | anthony/jehan, anthony/tiefer

based on an anon ask and multiple AUs

Tiefer left home at eighteen after a fight with his brother – the parish priest had helped him get into seminary up in New Orleans. He wound up back in the area at thirty to help run the church and found his brother, now forty-six and the spitting image of their father (besides his bright blue eyes), still alive and kicking and nasty as hell. He also found Nathan…with a wife named Agnes…and a four year old girl, Jehanne.

It didn’t shock him–he knew on some level he couldn’t expect Nathan to wait for him when Nathan didn’t even want him–but it still stung. But Nathan welcomed him, as did Agnes, and made him as good as his brother, as good as Jehanne’s uncle. And it was nice.

Well except for when Anthony realized his baby brother was back in town. Turning around after closing up the old church for the evening to see Anthony lighting up was not nice, nor was it nice the way Anthony slammed him against the wooden doors and put the cigarette out inches away from his face and “inviting” him to come visit sometime, well off little pope’s faggot that he was now, or he won’t miss next time.

But besides having to pay off his brother – because the disgusting pig worked so hard to keep him fed and clothed and cared for all those years – and, when that got dull, sucking off his brother, it was nice. It was doable, living in that town. Sure, watching Nathan play house with a woman was hard but at least he got to be part of that life.

And Jehanne, well, she was a welcome distraction as she grew. She was practically in love with him, trailing after Uncle Emi every waking moment, begging to go fishing with him and daddy or helping him before mass or asking him to play dolls, which usually consisted of grand medieval torture scenarios such as tying the dolls to the wharf to drown or, once she hit about 10 and decided dolls were completely passé, re-enacting the last moments of la pucelle Jehanne d'Arc (“I’m named after her,” she had said very solemnly while Tiefer lit the makeshift bonfire behind the church so that Agnes wouldn’t find out and throw a fit.) She was fun to be around, Tiefer would admit – it was like being kids with Nathan again, right down to the way she wandered around only in overalls. She didn’t completely understand why she couldn’t serve masses with him–“What’s so different?” “Babydoll, you’re a girl. It’s not allowed.” “I know more about the mass than that dumbass Boudreaux kid.” “Yes you do, but–” “Then let me.” “I don’t make the rules, p'tite.” “Well you should.” “Thanks, p'tite.”–or why sometimes he had to leave her alone when he went and ran errands–“I’m going to see my brother and he’s not a pleasant person.” “Then don’t go!” “I have to, p'tite.” “Then take me with you, I’m pleasant for the both of us!”–but she was sweet and loving and Tiefer was grateful for her. She was practically his own child, and it was nice.

And then puberty happened.

Agnes fussed at Jehanne for not wearing shirts and then for not wearing dresses because “you’re developing, sweetie, you can’t just wear overalls” and Jehanne countered with a screaming match about how well why don’t they just get her “DEVELOPMENTS” cut off then and Nathan hauled her over his knee for disrespecting her pregnant mother and sent her to her room and Tiefer had honestly just come by to help Agnes with dinner as it was becoming a chore for her to move around as far along as she was and instead got a front row seat to what having a pubescent daughter was like. “Imagine when she starts her period,” Nathan had sighed.

He luckily never saw that or the birth of his first son because unluckily he died.

Tiefer did not take it well. Jehanne took it worse. She hoarded all her daddy’s old clothes and took kitchen scissors to her hair (Agnes had had a fit until Tiefer fixed the mess as best he could–“I used to trim my bangs, we’ll salvage it, don’t worry”–and him and Jehanne spent the whole time crying over the same man for vastly different reasons.)

Months later, Jehanne was still coming to Tiefer to fix her hair short and still in her daddy’s shirts, which no longer smelled like him. He asked about it a few times but she just shrugged it off. Eventually though, about a year after her daddy died, she turned to Tiefer once he put the scissors down, and said, “I don’t wanna be like mama.”

“Your mama’s a very kind person, p'tite.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t wanna be like her. Physically. I don’t want kids.”

“You don’t gotta have ‘em.”

“I don’t wanna even be able to have 'em. I don’t wanna bleed, I don’t want boobs, I don’t want any of this.”

“What do you want then?”

“To be like you. A man. A real one.”

Tiefer had laughed – people like him were rarely called real men – but at the look on her face he stopped quickly. “Sorry. Never really been called a real man before. You know, though, that’s impossible, right Jehanne? You could call yourself my nephew all day long but your body is wired a certain way.”

“Maybe I can find a way to rewire it.”

“Maybe. But not in this shit hole town.”

“Uncle Emi? Until then…can I still be your nephew instead?”

“Your mama won’t like it much.”

“It can be our secret! Like when we martyred my Barbies!”

Tiefer held out his hand. “Alright, Jehan. Our secret.”

Jehan smiled, spat in his hand, and shook his uncle’s.

“You know, you don’t have to be gross to be a boy.”

“I know, Uncle Emi.”

It was weird but nice.

Until on one of their little visits where Tiefer left either with lighter pockets or the taste of cum in his mouth, Anthony, now having lived past their father’s age at fifty-three and somehow still able to throw a punch, asked him something that made his blood run cold. “So when did you get a kid?”

“I.. don’t have a kid.”

“Really? 'Cause I saw you with one. Sandy brown hair, skinny. He looked a bit like a girly version of that kid you always hung around.”

Tiefer froze. Anthony noticed.

“Well shit bro! You’re one of them kiddie fuckers? Fuck I knew you faggots were sick but shit–”

“I’m not a child fucker you cunt!” Tiefer spat. “That’s my ne…niece. Nathan’s kid.”

“Don’t look like no niece under those boy’s clothes.”

“You shouldn’t be lookin’.”

“It’s normal for men to look at women. You’d know that if you wasn’t a freak.”

“She’s twelve.”

“That’s bleeding age.”

“I swear to God, Anthony, I’ll fucking skin you alive–”

“Says the man who’s too afraid to stop me from robbing him blind or keep my cock out his mouth.”

“Fuck you.”

Tiefer didn’t bother paying Anthony any visits after that. Anthony had come around the church a few times and Tiefer threw him out on his ass. It was nice not having to bother with him anymore. Jehan still dressed in his dad’s clothes despite Agnes’ best efforts and Tiefer generally tried to be there for his niece who was his nephew in private. Sometimes he really did look like a boy, like his father years ago, and Tiefer would be lying if he said he didn’t think about what he would do if that were a real boy beside him, a real replica of Nathan who loved and adored him this time – and maybe it proved his brother right afterall–but it was nice.

Until Jehan was late coming home from school one day. Tiefer was made aware come nightfall when Agnes came knocking at his small house on the church grounds asking if her baby was there (he wasn’t) because usually when Jehan didn’t come home straight away he was with Tiefer but he was always home before dark. Tiefer sent her home to go ask around to some of her neighbors while he’d go looking–it was dangerous after all for her to be wandering around when she had a toddler at home to watch.

As soon as she left he got in his truck and drove straight to his childhood home. “Anthony! Open up the fucking door!”

In a few moments, Anthony answered with a very shaken Jehan standing next to him, in his uniform which was dirty and wrinkled.

“What the fuck did you d-”

“Relax! She was lost, I found her wandering like a stray dog. Right, sugar?”

Jehan kept his eyes down. “Right.”

Anthony pushed him to Tiefer who immediately put himself between Anthony and Jehan.

“Why didn’t you come get me then?”

“You haven’t exactly been happy when I visit.”

“Oh fuck you-”

“How 'bout you thank me!? You should keep a better eye on your family, baby brother. You never know what kinda folks’re out there.”

Tiefer left without another word, taking Jehan home with him. They didn’t talk much on the ride back, besides Jehan reiterating, albeit weakly, that he was fine, really. Tiefer didn’t push it. He and Agnes were just happy to see Jehan.

Things seem to go back to normal and for a moment it was nice, until Tiefer received an envelope under his door with no return address.

Inside were Polaroids of Jehan, tied up to a bed, of Jehan in his uniform with skirt pushed up and blouse undone and bra and panties missing, of Jehan stripped naked and crying and being fondled and fucked and with semen dripping from his cunt and finally, finally, a Polaroid of his godawful brother kissing Jehan with the message 'turns out under those boy clothes she does look like a niece!’ scrawled on the back.

Dimly the thought occurred to Tiefer that this was the first present Anthony had ever given him. It was far from nice.

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To a Nunnery

02/16/2020

nunnery AU | tiefer siblings

from a tumblr ask by callistochan87

Émile is livid when he finds out Annemarie is pregnant and even more livid over who’s kid it is because sure he’s white trash and has been bending his daughter over for years but he draws the line somewhere (and part of it is because he knows Emilein is a freak, he knows he wouldn’t want her so it’s obvious she’s the whole reason for being knocked up – and she’s been using the stupid baby in her fat gut as a shield to mouth off to him and run the joint – why not punish her? Besides, no one in that family can afford another mouth to feed…)

So he pulls Emilein aside, says, “hey, you’re good with that priest, yeah?” and Emilein shrugs, says, “maybe I am,” and braces for a nasty shot about how of course he is, he loves being on his knees, but it never comes, just, “so he knows about like…them wayward girl schools, yeah?” and Emilein plays dumb until his daddy plays his hand: send Annemarie off to a convent or wayward school or hell an asylum – she wants to use a baby to get her way, well then she can get out of the way. Forever.

Emilein, for once, is more than happy to help his daddy out.

He talks to the priest, Fr. Michaud, who has offered him chance and again ways out, one in particular though it would mean the priesthood, and reveals his sister is pregnant (not that it was terribly secret: the whole town was waiting for the day she slipped up at this point) and she is…troubled. And is there a place. The Church. Anything.

Of course Fr. Michaud hesitates because yes there is one nearby but it’s practically an asylum, run by an order on their grounds – cloistered – “And, to be frank, we all know your sister is…not exactly saving herself for anyone…but unless she’s a-a maniac it would be almost cruel–”

And Emilein puts his hand lightly on Fr. Michaud’s, smiles in a way that doesn’t meet his eyes, and says, “You know how she hasn’t named the father? You’d think someone like her’d be going up and down the street, demanding a wedding or at least support, wouldn’t you? But she ain’t. ‘Cause she can’t. Now, remember the first time we actually talked, you an’ me, an’ I told you I’d suck your cock in a heartbeat ‘cause that’s usually how things went with me an’ older men an’ not always by force?”

“Difficult to forget,” says Fr. Michaud, neglecting to mention that most fourteen year olds don’t say that.

“So we both agree I’m…funny.”

“What are you getting at, Emilein?”

“I’m sayin’, the reason she ain’t beatin’ down no po’ bastard’s door to help with her own bastard is ‘cause she doesn’t want anyone to know that the daddy’s her own brother.”

Michaud goes pale and Emilein isn’t smiling any more.

“We both know she don’t interest me much. So, Father, please: help me.”

Of course, being a good man, Fr. Michaud helps him, and Annemarie is sent away to have her child (and then work off the debt she’ll have accrued – after all, not like her father and brother can afford to pay.)

Her choice is very simple: go as willingly as she can pretend and nobody has to know about who the father is or fight and Emilein tells (with Fr. Michaud as a witness – Émile, of course, is more than willing to rat her out but really, every other word from his mouth is a lie.)

And life is peaceful – until Émile decides he can fully boss around his son like he did his daughter in a house he doesn’t own.

Emilein is having none of it but Emilein is terribly small and Émile has friends too, friends just as nasty as Annemarie’s boyfriends, and Émile ties him to a bed and starves him and lets all sorts of men use him for days and brags about the money he’s made from him – “shit, cher, we should’ve been whorin’ you out years ago! Guess yer cunt sister was just too jealous to share.”

He lets him go, eventually, after a week that feels like forever and Emilein runs to Fr. Michaud, banging on the church door, and when Fr. Michaud answers his request is much the same as it was before: “please, help me.”

Of course, being a good man, Fr. Michaud helps Emilein Tiefer and gets him connected to the seminary.

At twenty-five and with the title of ‘Father’ himself, Tiefer is assigned to a convent in Fuckoff Nowhere, Louisiana to be the priest and confessor on the grounds. Segregated from the opposite sex and the real world for so long only to be thrown headfirst into the wide world, some were realizing, was not the greatest idea: so, the younger were sent off to serve their religious siblings first, particularly their sisters.

The Mother Superior is kind when she greets him on his arrival, a stark contrast to all the rumors of the convent here: it was a convent, yes, that made its daily bread with something of a home for wayward girls – part home, part school (for the younger ones whose unfortunate choices and circumstances left them behind their peers as well as their children, for those who had or expected them), part workhouse so the former two could survive – but for years its nickname had been the asylum because, regardless of how long one worked, much like the TB asylums, the only way out was in a casket.

Which is where, Tiefer always figured, his sister was at this point. 

Until, during a tour of the small school on the grounds (as the children would be needing sacraments as well) he sees one of the nuns with the children – though she’s not a nun, not exactly, as she only wears a veil and simple dress and the bangs of her blonde hair peak out and frame her face – and she, in turn, sees him and freezes.

“Mother Superior,” he asks, voice steady as possible, once they’ve passed, once he’s calmed down, “who was that woman?”

“With the children? That’s Sister Anne, one of our success stories – quite a tough one too. She came here, pregnant, no idea who the father was and ready to dare I say fight every one of us sisters who came near. But the Lord works in mysterious ways and eventually He brought her ‘round. She should be taking her vows in a few years.”

“Ah. Do many of your girls usually wind up joinin’ the order?”

The mother superior sighs, sort of pointed in a way that hints that the topic is better put to rest. “Unfortunately, it’s not always part of God’s plan,” she says and then adds, “You sound a lot like she does – how far down South did you come?”

“Very.”

“Hm. She also.”

“Sister Anne. A word?”

After all the introductions and required niceties are made, Tiefer doubles back to the classroom of children, led by the novitiate.

“Of course, Father,” she says, the shock from earlier long gone from her face, a little more lined than he’d remembered it, her eyes a little less bright.

“In private?”

He lets her lead the way to a small, unused classroom and locks the door behind them.

“Well. Never thought I’d see you here, Sister.”

She scoffs, the plain novitiate from earlier twisting, like a monster under flesh, into his sister, the way he knew her, cocky attitude and all. “Why not? You put me here.”

“You know what I mean. ‘Sides, he put you here.”

“You helped.”

“Just told the truth is all. You want me to tell the truth again?”

“Can’t send me away again, sugar. Anyway, I’m a changed woman. The success story of these sisters.”

“Ain’t you special, huh?”

“Had to be. Play along or die like the rest.” She looks him over, sixteen years on his twenty-five, sizing him up. “You obviously understand, don’tcha Emi?”

“Father, now, actually.”

“Father, right, Father, now, huh? So Father – what was it? Not enough dicks to suck back home, you had to join the biggest boy’s club around? Or you just get sick of Daddy – bet he was a real sonuvabitch once he didn’t have me ‘round to take his shit out on.”

He cuts her off: “Annemarie. You like it here?”

“You like it where you are?”

He doesn’t answer, simply pulls out a cigarette and his lighter. He watches her reach out, then freeze.

“I’ll share if you tell me what the fuck you’re doin’ playin’ nunnery.”

“I told you. Play along or die. Same as you.”

“You don’t know shit about me or what I been through.”

“An’ you know ‘bout me?”

Tiefer shrugs, lights up. Refuses her one.

“I heard the girls who come here only leave one way.”

“Do I look like I left?”

“Mm.” He offers her a cigarette and a light. Her fingers brush his. He tries not to grab her wrist and crush it. “So this is better? Bein’ a mother to a slew of bastards an’ prayin’ to God who put you here?”

“I dunno, Emi–”

“Do not–”

“Father Emi, you tell me: would you like being worked like a dog to pay off your own existence your fuckin’ family sold off, gettin’ beat ‘cause no one gives a damn about you, and not knowin’ if the priest they brought in to hear confessions this ‘round would rather you suck him off than say you’re sorry. I’m fuckin’ forty-one years old: I wanted something close to freedom, even if it’s from behind a wall an’ veil. ”

Tiefer makes a sound like mock pity. “Sounds like every damn day of my childhood, Annemarie. In fact,” – he grabs her by the jaw, pulls her close, tugs the cigarette from her lips and puts it out against the back of her neck, hidden by her veil – “looks to me like you’re getting off easy, little miss success story.”

“Em–”

“That’s Father to you, now.  An’ come to think of it, I’m sure Mother Superior would love to hear what you really did.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Would they put you back in the work house? Or just turn you loose on the streets like a dog. Where you gonna go, Sister? Y’all take vows of poverty last I heard – gonna finally be a real whore and suck dick in the gutter?”

“Please…”

“Please what, pity you?”

Tiefer lets her go, takes a drag from his own cigarette, blocking the door. He grins, more a snarl than anything else. 

“Oh Annemarie… You’re right: I wouldn’t dare as long as you don’t give me a reason to. I’m your superior now…let’s start treatin’ me as such, hm?”

He unlocks the door. “An’ Sister Anne? If you thought those other priests who put your ol’ ass on your knees were bad, you’re gonna really regret all your earlier sins against me.”

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